the quest for the perfect hair waves, television, texting, paychecks, relationships, vacations, sleeping... basically picking at my toenails has become much more important and exciting than Truth.
i rolled out the red carpet and allowed these things to take over my time. my energy. my life. allowing them to help me determine the choices of my life- making my life more fun and interesting and assuring that people will like me.
.... like pulling the last shaky wooden pillar from the Jenga tower, it has all come tumbling down.
there is a personal level of desolation that is part of my story. this is the part where my brain comes to a standstill. and in the blink of an eye, i am physically and emotionally stuck in a mind trap of quicksand and suddenly this life becomes completely and exhaustingly overwhelming.
like a snail attempting to climb Everest, there is no hope. impossible. it is all impossible. everything is terrifying. and for the life of me i cannot seem to remember how it was that i was able to function, literally less than one minute ago.
"i used to do that? just go about my day- driving, working, talking and living?"
and i am isolated in my fear. this fear and angst that very few can comprehend.
so i say to myself, "you can do this. God has led you through this many times now. With Him you are strong."
but maybe not this time.
maybe this time, He's done with me.
because frankly, I'm done with me.
And with that terrifying declaration i sit down in a quiet place. with my bible and my journal and my desperate plea for safety and i stew upon Paul's letter to the people of Corinth in 2 Corinthians chapter 1.
Paul tells them that it came to a point during his travels where he and his team were "crushed and overwhelmed beyond their ability to endure", and they believed they would never live through it. He states that "in fact, we expected to die. But as a result of this, we stopped relying on ourselves and learned to rely only on God, who raises the dead"
raises the dead.
normally when I hear this phrase I'm like "Oh, good ole' Lazarus- cool story. unfortunate name"
But raises the dead.
This is everything. This is the most powerful thing one could ever fathom happening. I can't think of anything more amazing. And when you put it in terms of God raising us from the death of our sins- to live freely with Him forever-- I. Am. Blown. Away.
And since we know He can and has done these things, how is there any room for doubt? How can we sit here and declare the end?
I certainly haven't ever raised the dead, who am i to declare anything final?
Paul concludes that "the God, who raises the dead- did rescue us from mortal danger, and he will rescue us again. We have placed our confidence in him, and he will continue to rescue us."
regardless of what i at times try to convince myself, ocd is part of my journey while on this earth.
and i hate it.
i hate admitting it
i hate typing it out
and i especially hate hearing those three letters voiced aloud.
i am terrified of being defined, labeled or limited by something so powerful and consuming.
but i rest in this truth: this is something that He hand selected for me. and if the God of the entire universe took the time to appoint this in my life, I will choose without a doubt to believe that it is for a purpose. and even better than that, it is for His purpose.
so with each swallow i slowly attempt to gulp down these feelings of inadequacy and isolation. and with patience, i wake up each morning slowly and cautiously putting together the Jenga pieces of a God glorifying life. Thanking Him for every opportunity and obstacle. Even the ones I so despise- because I know that He is Greater. He is Better. He raises the dead. And He will continue to save me.
and this process of quieting everything else so that He can become greater is consuming. Because it should be. He is consuming. There is nothing but Him. His love, His grace, and His eternal sacrifice.
So Lord, consume me.
[special shout-out to my Dad, who single-handedly has been assisting me in my Humpty-Dumpty-esque attempt to be put together again. happy father's day? i knew this would be exactly what you wanted. love you]