But I'm here, coming to you with the same heavy burdened heart, only this time, I'm singing a different tune.
Over the past months, I have been continually and faithfully blessed (by none other than Jesus Christ) to lead a life somewhat free from the bondage of OCD. And though my blog is titled ADIOS OCD... that's really unlikely.
I mean, let's just chalk this out okay? OCD isn't curable. It doesn't disappear. It's basically impossible. However, All things are possible through Him. So, in essence, I know that through Him I can say Adios, thinking the negative thoughts against that idea would just be stupid. Hence, the title of this blog.
I think I was taking these past months for granted. Apparently, I should read through my past blogs nightly so that I can remember. But over the holidays, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
I don't know if it was the stress, or the too-longly-extended 'vacation', or the combination of 13 people in one house, plus 3 dogs, and the sheer thought of being taken away from my nanny kids and responsibilities for so long... but IT came back again.
You remember IT, right?
The sleepless nights of pondering and worrying about things that don't matter at all. The need to ask incessant questions about random people seen throughout the day. The fears. All of them, slowly creeping their slimy little hands back into my life.
I watched it happen. I pinpointed each movement that IT made. I told my family. Each time something happened to bother me, I shared it. A typical therapy trick I learned. And paid for, in full. $$$$ = therapy.
So this time, I come with a heavy heart to you all. My known and unknown friends. Readers. Supporters. Or random accidentally google-ists.
I ask you simply to join me in prayer. Not just for myself, but for the appreciation and belief of miracles to return to this world. Because they happen, I know they do.
So tonight, or tomorrow, heck while you're even in the restroom (I'm not picky!) please pray. Pray for me. Pray for all people struck with disorders with no earthly cure.
I'm very nervous about each day that comes. I have a life again, and a job, and people who depend on me, and I found happiness again. I am ready and willing to let God take it all away if that's His plan... (again... remember last time?) because each time he continually blesses me with more than I could imagine, even with a disorder. But, the scary anxiety driven thoughts and worries just can't stay. I won't have it. I can't worry about my future because of my present. That just doesn't make sense. I don't want to worry about the fact that I do have OCD, and I feel so selfish about it, that I am too concerned about myself, and my fears to help someone else. That I am too self concerned that having a family at all during my lifespan is just out of the question. How can I care for a family, if I can barely take care of myself? And nonetheless, it isn't rational to expect a big strong man to be completely selfless while i sit on the couch being selfish? That's pretty much never gonna happen. So here I find myself, freaking out because I'm freaking out, and it's like a snowballed domino effect. It's worse than just the domino or the snowball effect... its both... combined. If that's not enough to make you run and hide, I don't know what is!
So pray pray pray.
And as the tears fall on my keyboard, I mutter the words out loud, how lucky I am in so many other aspects, and how grateful I am for you.