disaster's in the air

Its been a while friends. 

But I'm here, coming to you with the same heavy burdened heart, only this time, I'm singing a different tune. 

Over the past months, I have been continually and faithfully blessed (by none other than Jesus Christ) to lead a life somewhat free from the bondage of OCD. And though my blog is titled ADIOS OCD... that's really unlikely. 

I mean, let's just chalk this out okay? OCD isn't curable. It doesn't disappear. It's basically impossible. However, All things are possible through Him. So, in essence, I know that through Him I can say Adios, thinking the negative thoughts against that idea would just be stupid. Hence, the title of this blog. 

I think I was taking these past months for granted. Apparently, I should read through my past blogs nightly so that I can remember. But over the holidays, it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I don't know if it was the stress, or the too-longly-extended 'vacation', or the combination of 13 people in one house, plus 3 dogs, and the sheer thought of being taken away from my nanny kids and responsibilities for so long... but IT came back again. 

You remember IT, right? 

The sleepless nights of pondering and worrying about things that don't matter at all. The need to ask incessant questions about random people seen throughout the day. The fears. All of them, slowly creeping their slimy little hands back into my life. 

I watched it happen. I pinpointed each movement that IT made. I told my family. Each time something happened to bother me, I shared it. A typical therapy trick I learned. And paid for, in full. $$$$ = therapy. 

So this time, I come with a heavy heart to you all. My known and unknown friends. Readers. Supporters. Or random accidentally google-ists. 

I ask you simply to join me in prayer. Not just for myself, but for the appreciation and belief of miracles to return to this world. Because they happen, I know they do. 

So tonight, or tomorrow, heck while you're even in the restroom (I'm not picky!) please pray. Pray for me. Pray for all people struck with disorders with no earthly cure. 

I'm very nervous about each day that comes. I have a life again, and a job, and people who depend on me, and I found happiness again. I am ready and willing to let God take it all away if that's His plan... (again... remember last time?) because each time he continually blesses me with more than I could imagine, even with a disorder. But, the scary anxiety driven thoughts and worries just can't stay. I won't have it. I can't worry about my future because of my present. That just doesn't make sense. I don't want to worry about the fact that I do have OCD, and I feel so selfish about it, that I am too concerned about myself, and my fears to help someone else. That I am too self concerned that having a family at all during my lifespan is just out of the question. How can I care for a family, if I can barely take care of myself? And nonetheless, it isn't rational to expect a big strong man to be completely selfless while i sit on the couch being selfish? That's pretty much never gonna happen. So here I find myself, freaking out because I'm freaking out, and it's like a snowballed domino effect. It's worse than just the domino or the snowball effect... its both... combined. If that's not enough to make you run and hide, I don't know what is!

So pray pray pray. 

And as the tears fall on my keyboard, I mutter the words out loud, how lucky I am in so many other aspects, and how grateful I am for you. 

Que Paso

Here's something I'm having a hard time with. What does it mean to 'delight yourselves in the Lord'? 

Really, is it different for everyone? Because I feel like it must be. Now I normally figure this verse to mean in every way to thank Him, The Creator, for all he has strung together and given you. To rejoice in Him even during the struggles. And to do all you do in His name. 

Now, realistically, we've got to be joking if we think we can lead this kind of perfection life. Don't get me wrong, I totally think we should strive for it, and to be like Jesus, but we are human, and perfection is impossible. 

So the next part of the verse... 'and he will give you the desires of your heart...' that's the real stomach turner. 

Now first and foremost, we all know that he gives us those desires when they align with His plan, when we are intelligent enough to align our thoughts and hopes with His. That said....

Don't people get the desires of their hearts even when they aren't delighting in the Lord? That's what gets me. 

It's like I struggle with the fact that this verse is true. For some reason I've got to find a loophole in it.. but why? Why can't I just delight myself in the Lord... Because sometimes it's gosh darn hard. I want to, and it would be wonderful, but frequently I'm to selfish to think about doing something God's way in order to be rewarded with a future blessed by God Himself. 

But I desperately want that future. I want the desires of my heart, and I don't think God gives you a desire that he won't in some way fulfill. I want to give everything to Him, because He gave everything for me. 

Skippyjon Jones is a naughty kitty boy

I'm officially on vacation until January 5. I'm a pretty lucky nanny to get off for that long, but that's what happens when you're awesome. Actually, that's a lie, that's what happens when your work schedule revolves around the school system. 

Unfortunately, I'm really uneasy about the break. First of all, what the heck am I going to do? I don't really know how to function when I'm not taking care of other people for a living. Or when I'm not covered in spit up. When my hands won't constantly smell like a mixture of baby powder and graham crackers. When I'm not busy prying the tightest grip imaginable by little hands off of a chunk of my hair. When I'm not talking in a high pitched voice only to realize I'm talking to an adult, not a baby. Ok, well that last one actually happens consistently whether i'm nannying or not, all the other ones do happen during work hours only. 

However, I will enjoy my break from:

-having to open the diaper pail, and then trying to not breath for like 2 minutes or otherwise dying from toxicity. 
-waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to drop Pancho off at school. 
- sitting down on the couch only to hear Zoey scream from her crib 2 seconds later 
- Having to tote Diet Coke everywhere I go. 
- pacifying two boys who always disagree. 
- not hearing the earth shattering sounds of XBOX 360
- not having to listen to conversations about 'how totally freakin' awesome the graphics are on the new Gears of War' blah blah blah
- being asked consistently 'if you had to pick between your car and your phone, which would you pick?'; 'what's your favorite ornament on our tree?'; and 'what's the meanest thing you've ever done?'.... i mean really, who asks these kinds of questions? 
- trying to figure out what's making Zoey scream at the top of her lungs. 
- telling Zoey I don't believe her fake cry
- Looking up 'LazyTown' biographical information in my spare time... WHO DOES THIS??
- Watching Icelandic kids programs... oh wait.. I actually might miss that seeing as how I devote a majority of my spare time looking up biographical information concerning it. 
- Having to sit in two different pick up lines 20 minutes apart and banging my head on the steering wheel. 
-Being told that I work for a 12 year old, by that 12 year old.

Along with a list that doesn't even compare to this one of endless things that I will miss. Desperately. 

Who really thought of the name Urkel?

I'm having a problem not being satisfied with my life. 

I read blogs, work for people, live around people, and talk to people whose lives I feel I would do anything to have. 

I have spent so much of my life chasing boys, waiting for one to pick me, and I don't know why I do it. None of my self-initiated boy missions have ever ended in a significant other for Kelly, and sheer devastation isn't really my feeling of choice... is it? 

At the end of the day all I want is to have someone to talk to, someone who is willing to invest in me. Sometimes at the closing of a typical day, I just listen to Praise Baby music even thought there is no baby in the room- does that mean I'm the baby? 

All I desire is to feel like I belong in whatever circumstance or place God puts me in. But instead, the only thing I ever do is question it. 

God has never let me down, there's been times when I didn't get my version of how I imagined things should be, but never has He left me or forsaken me. 

As humans, we tend to not like to admit we're wrong, yet I've run out of combinations of arabic numerals to keep track of how often I've been wrong. For once, I'd just really like to be right. 

Even if that just meant predicting I could sleep through a whole night and then actually accomplishing it. 

Lord, I just need you to sustain me. To help me persevere. I want to continue to begin, and make it through this upcoming new year fully fulfilled with you, and my life. I trust that you will provide. I trust that you will have delights and surprises in store for me. Being where I am is not a dead end, every day is a fresh start. 

I had the best day, with you Today.

Today my family thought it would be fun to take pictures of our eyes, well really just eye. For some random reason my Dad wasn't involved... and it wasn't because he said he didn't want to be, apparently we just didn't invite him. Shame. 

Then for about an hour we talked about exactly what colors our eyes are. It was a really pointless conversation, but it was fun. 

I really love my sister, even though sometimes we feel like this: 

it always somehow ends up like this:
so today, I am thankful for sisters. 

The 12 Days of Christmas Start Today

Had to take the sleeping pills tonight. 


Also, the only thing on television is "The Real Housewives: Atlanta". 

When I went to the doctor for my checkup, I told her about how uneasy I still was about changing my medication. So I asked her to really outline WHY I couldn't stay on my anxiety medication, and the nutshell version of what she said is that it is highly addictive, and not commonly prescribed, as long as I see her, I wouldn't have a problem being able to get it, but if I were to change doctor's, they would be weary to give it to me. She also said that the body becomes immune to it, and you have to take higher and higher doses. So that was pretty much all the push I needed to look at myself and say 'Get over it, and trust in God". 

I'm now at the lowest dose of that medication, weaning myself off. So in about a week, I won't be taking it anymore. Even though it scares me, and feels like my cozy little security blanket, seriously... God is my Rock.

After I gave Jennifer my Christmas gift to her, she hugged me 3 times, and I was almost in tears. I cannot explain what a blessing it is to have a Doctor that you can talk to, and a Doctor who is a firm believer in the power of Christ. After she went through the comments of 'you didn't have to get me a gift', I told her how much of a blessing that she was and how thankful I was of her. And she ACTUALLY said that my mother and I are blessings in her life. That she always looks forward to seeing us, and learning more about the disorder. She is such a rare little gem, I cannot get enough of her. Thank you Lord.

I wanna thank you, for giving me your eyes.

Remember how I forgot how to sleep? Well tonight's another one of those nights. 
My mom started giving me some natural sleeping pills, and they works well, but I don't like the idea of taking them. So here I am, awake... naturally, and wondering why the heck I am. 

Time with the nannying boys has been much to often in the past weeks, so I feel like my 3 week break from them is much needed. I'm looking forward to tomorrow with Zoey, another free day without the grumpy boys and girl time for her and I to play and laugh. Which is exactly what we did today:


Since it snowed last night....

we stayed indoors until it warmed up outside. 

I'm semi falling asleep while I write this... I'm going to try to embrace it, and GO TO SLEEP. We'll see...

confrontation is a punishment.

As many people have told me, the media has been alerted. [in reference to previous post title]

Sorry its taken me so long, I literally feel like i've been running around with my head cut off and i just accidentally tripped over it and was able to screw it back on (for now...)

I've worked all week long, and when I say 'worked' I mean loooonnnnggg days. we're talking 6am-8pm people. 

and i seem to have accumulated this sleeping problem that i don't really know how to resolve: i forgot how to do it. 

i think it might have a lot to do with my medication switch just not working for me. which is depressing  because this is the first time that I haven't been able to conquer a problem involving OCD since almost a year ago, and its really disheartening. Now I have to go in for my two week check up and say that after attempting the next step for the past month and a little bit more, I have to revert back to my old medications. Which would be okay, except for the fact that they aren't long term medications. So now, I'm freaked that I can't live without them, yet I can't live with them because I can't take them for an extended period of time. Which, really I'd like to know why because if the only detrimental side effect is like, growing an extra appendage or something I might be willing to cope. 

Also its gonna be weird when I probably cry in the doctors office about this and then give my doctor a Christmas present for all she's done. When I feel like a complete failure. I also don't think it helps that the Cross I'm giving her says 'hope'... then again, maybe I should just take that message to heart and have a little bit more hope when it comes to this. 

I know it isn't curable, but I don't like to think about that part. It makes the future sound like an abysmal mess. And that seems to not settle well with me. go figure.