give me one pure and holy passion


"I came back to my hometown almost a year ago in a totally devastated state of mind. I felt like complete failure, and I came to try to overcome my OCD. The entire first months here were a total roller coaster- one that I wouldn't trade for the world though. I spent most of my time in doctor's offices, in psychotherapy, in family therapy, and cognitive therapy- but most of all praying. I
loved college and all of my friends- but I had to come home and that was, and is, hard to deal with. From January until April, I was completely depressed with what I felt God had dealt me. However, I was blessed with more than I could ever imagine- my doctors were great- and the most influential was a strong and powerful Christian, she encouraged me in all aspects of my life. Then in April, I finally got in to see my cognitive therapist, and my life changed. I had motivation, encouragement, and direction. Opportunities started flying at me right and left for normality, with a pace I could finally handle. In July, I was blessed with obtaining my two nannying jobs; Zoey and the boys. Even with all of the energy that they make me muster up daily, it is all such a breath of fresh air. When I'm with them, I feel like myself. I felt there was no reason why God brought me back here, but I wouldn't have it any other way now. "

I found most of that in a journal entry I wrote about a month or two ago. And you know what, it's so true. Every now and then God smacks me on the head with a realization that I seemed to have forgotten. He is mighty, He is here, and He loves me. 

One promise that I made to myself when I started this blog, was that I was going to be completely real. There would be no sugar coating to this life. But when I say that I am devastated that I have no sense of companionship or friendship here, I feel like a whiney baby. I feel like I'm sitting at God's feet and looking at Him and saying 'You know God, you are really great and all, and you helped me through a time when I thought I was literally going to die, but you just can't ever pull through all the way for me'. Ungrateful much? 

I can't lie to God though. He knows even my innermost thoughts. When I can't put into words what it feels like to not be surrounded by others even remotely your age, God understands. My babble makes sense to Him, and that's enough to be thankful for right there. 

I've had a lot of opportunities to meet people since I've been here, and you know what, I can literally tell you that I took that challenge right on. I've talked to more strangers over this past year than I have in my entire life combined. Talking to strangers was what even led me to get the opportunity to go on vacation this past weekend. 

In my small human brain, I assumed that getting out there and meeting people and making friends was what God wanted me to do. Was His plan for me for now. So when the opportunity for this weekend arose, it was like I almost felt triumphant in conquering the quest for friendship. However, as recent events have panned out, that wasn't really the case. Don't get me wrong, I praise Jesus for the fact that I was even able to make it through the weekend, or even to go at all; but his desire for me to befriend new friends in order to nestle in to my new life, might not have been what he was trying to show me. 

Mostly because they basically told me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. Now, I know, we all just had flashbacks to 6th grade at the lunch table, but really... that's what went down. And as I sit here, looking at myself in the mirror, I wonder why they seem to think that friendships aren't important? That they aren't trying to serve and love others as Christ serves us. That they don't feel the calling to lead by example with our earthly friendships and work together to show the world what Christian love and life is all about. But you know what, when I look in the mirror, all I really see is selfish hurt; because you know.... it's one thing to be broken up with and to be told a relationship just won't work... but to be told a friendship won't work? That's rejection at it's finest. 

So here's what I'm hearing God say to me now, and with further reading of my Bible I'm hoping to come to a fast conclusion. But what he really did was wake me up with a phone call from a friend in college right now. The perfect phone call at the perfect time from the right person. And it was like  a lightbulb went off. Here I am, complaining that I don't have any friends and pouting for God to bring me someone to paint my toenails with, and what sort of example have I been to the friends that I already have... even though the distance is great? I don't think my attitude towards them is really even on the Jesus-like chart at all. So here's the new deal: make time for my current friends. Show them that love and friendship knows no boundaries. And continue to pray for God to fill the void I seem to be obsessing over. 
[This picture was taken during the weekend, and it means a lot to me because I remember exactly how I felt when it was taken. I felt alive and I had passion for people. I'll just be shifting this focus to people God has already brought me]



4 comments:

  1. Oh, I just adore you, and I am on my knees for you, sweet friend. I am so glad that God has shown you some new insight that brings you new energy and hope. That is an answer to my prayers too.

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  2. I'm praying for you as well, girl!
    Sorry my schedule's been crazy lately, but I am always here, only a phone call or 200 miles away if you want to talk. :)
    I love you a whole lot and I'm thankful that God put you in my life! I miss hearing about your ups and downs in person, but I'll let you know when I'm coming home next. Stay strong, darlin'.

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  3. I'm praying for you and thinking of you too! I know how alone this world can feel, but I think you're on the right track. I'm so glad that you know where your joy lies and that you are able to see the things God means just for you. I'm so thankful to have met you and hope we get to grow closer. I may not be your age, but I think I'm a pretty good friend! :)

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  4. kelly,
    i don't even know how i came across your blog, but i'm sure it was through mel bailey. maybe you don't know me/remember me.. i met you once post-village church when you were in dallas with melanie. i'm the one whose brother is hot.. ? :)

    anyway.. i cannot tell you how much i appreciate your realness in your blog. i started reading it during a really tough season for me (through which i'm still wrestling), and there are so many posts where i think you took my heart and put its exact pains into words. this is one of them. and yet, i think in many ways your outlook shows much more optimism and ability to see Father's hand through it all.. much more than i seem to express. so.. i guess what i'm wanting to say is "thank you." thank you for your honesty. thank you for remaining faithful and seeing the Lord through your darkest time. thanks for encouraging me to do the same. just want you to know that your life, your struggles, and your walk with Father is uplifting me, a stranger to you. and i'm certain He's using you to do the same in others.
    thanks.

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