alert the media.

I'm pretty sure that I am getting ready to make my first B in my college career. Which wouldn't mean anything if this was like semester 1 of my college career, but alas it's semester 4 (ish) sort of 5. So only for the next few days can I continue to say that I have a 4.0. I think that this may be taken away from me because of pride issues? just a guess, considering i'm devoting a blog to the sudden downfall of my academic career. 

It could be because I now have several responsibilities to attend to other than just being a student (unlike my other college semesters). Now I juggle three kids, driving to and from, picking up and dropping off at school, homework help in a variety of subjects, doctor's appointments, therapy, and medication, all while taking distance courses which mean at the end of the day, I have to muster up energy on my own to do my work/study/read/care at all. 

However, I'm beginning to embrace the 'B'. Mostly because now, regardless of whether I make a 14 or a 100 on the final exam, I will get a B. To which, to my Mother's chagrin, I retorted, well at least I don't have to really care anymore. She urgently responded with 'Yes, It still matters!' And I said 'a B is a B, whether an 89 or an 80'

and isn't that the truth!? For all things life gives us. 

Christmas is All Around Us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: I wanted everyone to know, that Paco and I have now already watched SpongeBob and are now watching that weird teenage robot show. I don't understand it. 

I woke Paco up by jumping on the bed. Is that allowed, when he is sleeping in his parents bed, I'm not sure. If it wasn't allowed, would I still do that? :) 

Then he literally RAN to the couch in the family room and hibernated under a huge blanket, to which i added more blankets on top to escape from the cold. Then he requested hot chocolate. So me, the beloved nanny that I am, made him some hot choco. 

But here is the best part, I thought today would be tough, but when I walked into Pancho and Paco's house........ 

That's right, Christmas greeted me! EVERYWHERE! the tree is up, wreaths and garland hanging from the stairs, nutcrackers, and HUGE WREATHS on the doors! How could this day not be good now? 

Jon and Kate are my friends.

I thought having two jobs and writing a paper was tough, but I think this week will top the charts. 

First of all, I come to so many people's rescue. They should really make some sort of award for me or something because Pancho has to go to the medical center in the morning, and Paco doesn't want to go, so guess who gets to go wake Pac up at 7AM and watch SpongeBob with him, and then take him to school? 

Then I have Bible Study Nanning tomorrow morning, then lunch with a friend (who will probably give birth any moment now) plus Zoey. 

Then I'm going to try to get to the mall to get my sister's Christmas gift with Zoey in tow. 

Then back to feed Zoey and put her down for a nap. 

All the while tending to my baby ear. 

I'm watching the new TLC show 'twins, twins, and sextuplets' and I'm sorta freaking out. It doesn't make me feel happy like Jon and Kate do. I really think Jon and Kate's little ones are cute, and that's why we all think their life is okay. These people's life is psycho. I don't want to watch it anymore. It hurts my eyes. I'm going to have nightmares about multiple children now. Especially since every time I get a new medication I have super vivid dreams for the first month or so. 

Gloria, Glory in the Highest.

I really am such a limited creature. Yet treasured over all creation, isn't that strange? God is cool like that. 

My sister and I decided to do a sister thing and get our cartilage's pierced together. so we did, in celebration of life together. 

then, apparently it did something strange to me. 
it made me think i was cool. 

whenever i get into this i'm cool state, it's just scary. 

at dinner with my family i kept saying 'people are going to see this and think i'm like, a partier or something... isn't that cool?' 'i feel so cool'. 'look how cool i am' 'maybe i will get a boyfriend now'. 

but my favorite part is when the cool crashes and burns, and the revelation that i am SO NOT cool comes blaring back out. 

it always happens after I say I have now entered the stage where I am cool enough to have a boyfriend. Then I freak out that I am like 80 years old (hyperbole) and am alone, and that I should put kitty chow on the top of my Christmas list so I can go ahead and stock up on all the cat food that I'm going to need for the rest of my life, and how sad it will be that my sister can't come visit me because of her deathly allergy to cats. 

Anyways, today's uncool realization came when I started pointing out people at the mall and saying 'are you my husband?' Please imagine every single imaginable incorrect suitor. Those are the people I pointed to and asked my family about. It was a great game. I think I ended up with the phone salesman, or this guy with an afro. I can't remember. 

Take all of your so called problems, better put em' in quotations.

EDIT. to all my commenters. I really appreciate you guys. You have no idea how much I can feel your thoughts and prayers everyday. I know that Jesus Christ uses us as a body to help each other, and this is only one of the many ways he has proven that to me. Thank you for being my arm, or foot, or even eye; whatever part you want to be ;). Also I thought that smiley was clever because it is winking, aka the eye. Now, everyone should want to be the eye. 

Today was one of the roughest days thus far. Pretty much, though I'll probably say that until tomorrow comes around. 

I awoke later than usual, because Paco and Pancho's Dad told me that he would be taking them to school today. However, what is the first thing my phone alerts me of? That Pancho... Mr. I am always late and forgetful' has left me voicemails regarding that I am supposed to take him to school. Well, guess what buddy. It's too late, school started 20 minutes ago. So, I decided to basically pretend that I didn't get that message and hope that he either found a ride to school, or is basking in the glory of not having to go to school and playing Gears of War whatever all day long. 

Then, my mother begins to hound me to call my doctor back. She called to discuss my medicine, but I, with my intense knowledge of all things, knew that the doctor wasn't going to make any real decisions without me in her office, so I was putting off calling back. So what does my mother do? Oh, call the doctor for me and then say she is going to hand the phone to me. It's like when I was 5 and I had to call someone to say thank you for the ridiculous knitted play thing. 

Moral of that story, I am always right. 

Then I went to Tuesday bible study to nanny. All things went well when Ashley and I chatted with N's mother. Then the 2 1/2 hour study time inched its way along with N hitting Zoey only twice. This is how following conversation goes: 
 "N, did you just hit Zoey"
"We do not hit Zoey, or anyone really" 
"Yes what? No, N do we hit people?"

Good heavens. 

So then I go to pick up Paco from school with Zoey in tow. It's rainy day dismissal, also known as wait 30 extra minutes for your child to be escorted by a teacher and an umbrella to your car when it's sprinkling outside. Maybe it's just the skeptic in me?

Then he gets in the car and I ask him about picking up in the morning, and he basically gets mad at me and tells me that I am in trouble? I don't know where this came from, then he called his Mom to ask her, (this is the second time today that the invention of the phone is being glared at by me) and she says that it was a misunderstanding and not my fault. 

Then we pick Pancho up and the boys are just being boys. They don't really care what I tell them to do, and every time i talk to them, its like talking to a brick wall. Then they throw their stuff on the ground and ask me to help them with their homework. Then proceed to get it out and look at me and say 'actually, it's not that hard, could you just do it for me?'    UM. NO. 

So now they are whispering to each other that I am obviously "pissed off". direct quote. And I just didn't know how to take that, so I pretended it didn't exist (this is twice today) and just played with Zoey. 

Then I made a homemade pizza and salad for them, and they decided to scrutinize every aspect of it. By now, I'm basically humming to myself while leafing through my people magazine. And then, time was up, I got to come home. To a weird smell of cajun rice weirdness. 

So now, I'm ranting. Rant over. 

On the plus side, God was in control of today no matter how frantic or disheveled or even plain mad I got. Sometimes I wish I could control my thoughts better and face the problem head on, but most of the time I end up acting like a 3 year old. Also, I need to be finishing up my research paper, but pretty much everything sounds better than that right now. Even flossing. 

give me one pure and holy passion

"I came back to my hometown almost a year ago in a totally devastated state of mind. I felt like complete failure, and I came to try to overcome my OCD. The entire first months here were a total roller coaster- one that I wouldn't trade for the world though. I spent most of my time in doctor's offices, in psychotherapy, in family therapy, and cognitive therapy- but most of all praying. I
loved college and all of my friends- but I had to come home and that was, and is, hard to deal with. From January until April, I was completely depressed with what I felt God had dealt me. However, I was blessed with more than I could ever imagine- my doctors were great- and the most influential was a strong and powerful Christian, she encouraged me in all aspects of my life. Then in April, I finally got in to see my cognitive therapist, and my life changed. I had motivation, encouragement, and direction. Opportunities started flying at me right and left for normality, with a pace I could finally handle. In July, I was blessed with obtaining my two nannying jobs; Zoey and the boys. Even with all of the energy that they make me muster up daily, it is all such a breath of fresh air. When I'm with them, I feel like myself. I felt there was no reason why God brought me back here, but I wouldn't have it any other way now. "

I found most of that in a journal entry I wrote about a month or two ago. And you know what, it's so true. Every now and then God smacks me on the head with a realization that I seemed to have forgotten. He is mighty, He is here, and He loves me. 

One promise that I made to myself when I started this blog, was that I was going to be completely real. There would be no sugar coating to this life. But when I say that I am devastated that I have no sense of companionship or friendship here, I feel like a whiney baby. I feel like I'm sitting at God's feet and looking at Him and saying 'You know God, you are really great and all, and you helped me through a time when I thought I was literally going to die, but you just can't ever pull through all the way for me'. Ungrateful much? 

I can't lie to God though. He knows even my innermost thoughts. When I can't put into words what it feels like to not be surrounded by others even remotely your age, God understands. My babble makes sense to Him, and that's enough to be thankful for right there. 

I've had a lot of opportunities to meet people since I've been here, and you know what, I can literally tell you that I took that challenge right on. I've talked to more strangers over this past year than I have in my entire life combined. Talking to strangers was what even led me to get the opportunity to go on vacation this past weekend. 

In my small human brain, I assumed that getting out there and meeting people and making friends was what God wanted me to do. Was His plan for me for now. So when the opportunity for this weekend arose, it was like I almost felt triumphant in conquering the quest for friendship. However, as recent events have panned out, that wasn't really the case. Don't get me wrong, I praise Jesus for the fact that I was even able to make it through the weekend, or even to go at all; but his desire for me to befriend new friends in order to nestle in to my new life, might not have been what he was trying to show me. 

Mostly because they basically told me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. Now, I know, we all just had flashbacks to 6th grade at the lunch table, but really... that's what went down. And as I sit here, looking at myself in the mirror, I wonder why they seem to think that friendships aren't important? That they aren't trying to serve and love others as Christ serves us. That they don't feel the calling to lead by example with our earthly friendships and work together to show the world what Christian love and life is all about. But you know what, when I look in the mirror, all I really see is selfish hurt; because you know.... it's one thing to be broken up with and to be told a relationship just won't work... but to be told a friendship won't work? That's rejection at it's finest. 

So here's what I'm hearing God say to me now, and with further reading of my Bible I'm hoping to come to a fast conclusion. But what he really did was wake me up with a phone call from a friend in college right now. The perfect phone call at the perfect time from the right person. And it was like  a lightbulb went off. Here I am, complaining that I don't have any friends and pouting for God to bring me someone to paint my toenails with, and what sort of example have I been to the friends that I already have... even though the distance is great? I don't think my attitude towards them is really even on the Jesus-like chart at all. So here's the new deal: make time for my current friends. Show them that love and friendship knows no boundaries. And continue to pray for God to fill the void I seem to be obsessing over. 
[This picture was taken during the weekend, and it means a lot to me because I remember exactly how I felt when it was taken. I felt alive and I had passion for people. I'll just be shifting this focus to people God has already brought me]

all things work together for his good

"you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

that's the motto of this past weekend. i really jumped out of my comfort zone and did something i would never really do, OCD or not. I went to south padre island, with people I had only met one time. It was four of us, and it was the greatest vacation ever. And my first vacation sans family.

most of my time was spent in God's word, talking, and being seriously amazed at the ocean God created. I am so thankful for this answer to prayer. A weekend with new friends, a long drive, and time away.

unfortunately, there was a catch to the weekend. Isn't there always? one of the boys had decided that i liked him. did i ever give him any indication of that? no. so he mostly ignored me. it really hurt me. because maybe it was just my OCD, but i was convinced that he thinks i'm annoying or obnoxious, or just plain not worth his time in being friends. and its heartbreaking. especially when i am under the assumption that God handpicked that trip for me to make new friends, and i already feel like i'm being ousted by one of them?