ever since i had a bad experience when i was only 17, i learned that the best method to life, is to wear your heart on your sleeve. and generally, this gets me through life accordingly. its an ok theory. the only bad part is that not really many other people share my views regarding that. So its difficult to talk to people when i try to be really honest and they either don't know how to handle it, or they think i'm just full of it.
the truth is, my life has taken a dramatic turn ever since OCD reared its ugly head. I used to be a little more self focused and constantly trying to fulfill my own happiness. Now, I see what a difference I can be for others, and how I can use that in a positive aspect, instead of just wasting it all on me. Today, Zoey and I went to go pick up my sister from school and we sat in the parking lot and zoey stood on my lap and knawed on the steering wheel and kept accidentally falling onto the horn and honking at random kids. and it was one of the sweetest moments i've ever experienced. the horn scared her a little, but i really think she was getting a kick out of it. these moments are so precious, and to tell you the truth, when kids are around... they really aren't so rare! I feel blessed beyond measure to be doing what I'm doing now.
I had a doctors visit this week. And it was stressful to me. The only thing there seems to be to talk about now is the future. And that is one thing that I don't even want to think about. Right now, I don't know what I want to do, so it seems pretty difficult to try to make future plans. And everyone says that its fine to not know what you want to do, but in the back of my mind i do know what i want to do. I want to be a mom. Desperately. And I always scoff at the people who say this, I feel like its almost a cop out to life. Like you don't want any responsibilities, so you'll just be a Mom. But, if I've learned anything in the past few months, its that that statement is entirely untrue.
So I find myself in another waiting room. Only this time, not in my doctor's office. In my life.
And it's really uncomfortable.
I feel lost and tired about the future, but for right now I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be... I wish that seemed like enough.