raindrops keep POUNDING on my head.

So, for the past two weeks, my doctor has brought me down on my anxiety medication. it's a medication that she added to the mix along with my general OCD meds when I started cognitive therapy. And I didn't realize how much I loved it until this week. 

The antianxiety medication has a really long half life, so its effects take longer to sink in then my OCD medication, which means they take longer to wear off too. So this week, week 2 of the undertaking, has been killer. I've had problems controlling my thoughts, but still have a good grasp on my actions. Which is good, and mostly what my OCD medication does anyway. And from what I've written down, my thought problems only occur when my anxiety is high, or when something stressful happens, or of course.... when I get sick. The ultimate OCD nightmare. Germs. 

So, I've been trying to deal with all the stressors of coming down on the medicine, because I know I can do it. I am not captive to this illness, and the answer is not found in medication anyways, its found in Jesus. But its difficult to do when I give so much everyday to what I can possibly do. Call me OCD, but I never do things halfway. So with my schoolwork and my nanny jobs, I try to do the ultimate in everything. It's not for praise or for more self esteem, its just my nature. I want to cater to people, and I like it. 

But catering and healing are hard to juggle. Along with feeling like a loner too. I don't have many friends here at all, and when I say friends I don't mean countable friends. Countable friends are family members, work employees, bosses, and etc. So after you take out everyone in my life, that generally leaves me with no one, because believe it or not, my therapist really doesn't want to hang out with me? I know, shocking. 

So, I'm just tired and being a whiny pants.

 And yesterday some roofing company called my cellular for a follow up to an inquiry that I had made, which of course I hadn't really made. Their response to that I hadn't asked for any information lead them to ask me, 
"Well, was it maybe your husband?"
Me: "No, I don't have a husband. I am not married"
Them: "Oh, you don't? I am really sorry." 
Me: "Thank you" (? maybe?) 
Them: "And thank you for your time."

swing swing swing swing.

dear internets, 
i apologize in advance for the fact that this video is sideways. forgive me, i did not know what i was doing. this sort of thing is a pet peeve of mine, but the video is too cute to not post. thank you. 

Today, Zoey and N and I actually had a pretty productive day. After N's normal meltdown, I just pretty much ignored him. He kept saying Momma, and normally I answer politely something about that she isn't here right now, but this time; I tried the ignoring route. It wasn't too bad. Then I tried to involve him in the plans. Asking him to help me find Zoey's room. Asking him to help me find Zoey's shoes... etc. Then we left for our walk early. Normally I try to hold out for the walk until after about an hour or so, but this time we booked it early. I had plans to go to the neighborhood park. And we did. N had a great time with all the slides. And Zoey swung for the first time! She was precious. But the journey was longer than I bargained for, and I was COVERED in sweat the entire time. During our play time because of me pushing two kids in a stroller is hard hard work. Then pushing swings. Then pushing the stroller back home while trying to pacify children by singing songs. I'm sure I appeared crazy to anyone who came across us. I even got to chat with a Mom who was at the park with her kids. She was super sweet, so I am hoping that I will get to see that precious little family again at the park! 

it's just too good to be true.

So, the beginning stages of sickness is starting to hit me. lame. 

This weekend, was really enjoyable. I normally don't really like the weekends, because they are not scheduled, and I normally just do a bunch of homework, and feel bored. The weekends are the times that I miss my friends from school. 

This weekend I went to my alma mater's football game, and sat with family friends. I had a lot of fun watching the game, and being intense about it, because I am always intense about football, and seeing old friends. There was a little girl in front of us who came at about the 4th quarter, and my Mom kept talking to her, and playing with her. At first, I thought it was a little creepy. That my Mom was talking to this random girl and she was even sitting in my Mom's lap at one point. But then, on the way home, I thought about how fun my Mom seemed to that youngster. And how hopefully, one day, my kids will think that too. And that will really be a treasure. To have a youthful grandmother, who is really fun. Both my grandmothers were very subdued, so  I can't really imagine what it would be like to have my mother as a grandmother. 

On Saturday I got to babysit EmBro, my favorites. Em and I even saw Cynthia at the ballpark which was such a great surprise! She and her boys (including husband) were there, and we got to talk to them for a while. Em even had Cynthia read her essay for class and grade it, since Cyn was my 6th grade English teacher, we felt it only proper. And of course, she responded with the declaration that Em is a genius, because I taught her all I know. 

Last night, while babysitting, my throat started to really ache. I decided it was just from screaming at the football game, and then cheering little leaguer on that night, so I had some herbal tea, and hoped it would get better. By the time I got home at 2 AM, better was not in my vocabulary. I misted some lavender pillow spray, and went to bed. Then at church, I was feeling miserable. And thinking about the homework that I still had yet to do. As soon as church was over, I crawled into my bed, strapped on my sleeping mask, misted some more lavender, drew the curtains, and lit a eucalyptus candle. I've been taking medicine steadily, and my Mom brought some fruit home for me to eat. Being sick is such a drag. Losing your appetite is annoying, and this painful sinus headache is about to encourage me to throw something out the window. Tonight's agenda is: Take a lavender bath, by candle light. I read that if you encourage your brain to shut down earlier, by turning off the lights, that you sleep better and longer. So, after that, putting some E oil on all my mosquito bite scars, and slipping into bed with a relaxation CD. 

I'm a nanny, which is basically a Mom. And Mom's don't get sick! This should not be happening.  

somebody kill me now.

this is what happens to moms of little league players. 

its the result of nervous pacing when your child is playing catcher, and becomes responsible for multiple runs for the other team.

it is also the result of having to hold in your pee because the bathrooms are locked and you can't sit down any longer so you have to stand and pace. and pace and stand. and the next morning, you want to die. 

Mosquito incident '08

yes, underneath each of those band-aids lies a lingering, itching, dreadful, lump of mosquito bite. four of the band-aids have 3 + bites hiding underneath. And yes, while typing this post, I did come across a new one. Unfortunately, the household is now barren of band-aids (I cannot imagine how that happened) so I am having to settle for just ointment and i am about to go insane.

drizzle rain always taunts me on days that we have baseball.

tough day. phew, and that doesn't even begin to describe it. 

first of all, being a mom is tough. second of all, if any actual mothers of the children i discuss here are reading this, i really do love your kids, they just suck the life out of me sometimes. 

today was the longest day of my life. i think i may have made it longer by not participating in a few important meals of the day, but there was just no time. 

today, i worked as the 'childcare provider' at a morning Bible Study at Ashley's house. Normally I just have two kids, Zoey, and the child who shall be called N. 

N is quite a handful, he's a fun boy, but he's reaching the terrible two's fast. first, he doesn't want to be away from his mommy. which makes things hard. and second, he had a monumental meltdown last week.  so today, in comes walking N's mother, and she brings him upstairs into the play room for him, where the television is so that he can tune in to PBS, and she tells me that this time, I just need to stay in there with him, and if I have to go over to the other room (the infant room) then I need to take him with me at all times. I wanted to look at her and say 'seriously?' you want me to bring him with me everytime i step six feet forward into another separate room where infants are so that he can throw toys at their heads like he often does, and then scream in their faces 'MEOW!!!!" and wake them and deafen them at the same time? but I just smiled and nodded. Then Ashley came in to check on me, and was holding Zoey baby, I told her that I was going to stay in there with N, who by this point, had just reached the denoument of his 'MOOOOOMMMMMMMYY" screaming, and was settling down in a swivel chair while gasping for air and breathing very loudly, with loose tears still dripping down his face. She told me to not worry about anything, and that I really am a good Nanny, none of this has anything to do with me. in the midst of the conversation, Ashley says 'oh no'. And I turn to see that N somehow got ahold of some crafting powder, and dumped the red powder all over the carpet. Ashley calms me by saying she's going to get the hand held vacuum, and i recite the Lord's prayer.

 The rest of two hour time slot was filled with me trying to pacify N's every want/need/cry/wimper/ and knocking on the door saying "Mommy???" i guess assuming she'd answer the door to the room he was knocking from the inside of? We went for a walk in the double sit and stand, and he did pretty well, until he realized that if he put his feet on the wheels it stops the stroller from moving. After about twenty minutes of this, and me blowing up like a volcano, i took his shoes off (relieving some of the traction he was getting) pushed his seat back, and tightened his seat belt, then i got down at his level, and very sternly without yelling said 'YOU HAVE TO STOP'. then we proceeded gliding around making sure to stop at every pumpkin to be found, and saying 'hi pumpkin! N says hello!'. Bless the Lord that Zoey is perfect for all of this. She is the reason I still have all my hair still in place. 

After everyone left, and Ashley went to work, Zoey tried to take a nap, but it was stressful for her. probably because she was having nightmares that N was hitting her on the head like he did at a certain point during the stroller walk. i think he was checking to see if she was there, but it was a little harsh. i did teach him to say zoey, and it was more like a 'soey' but it was awfully cute, even under the circumstances. i forgot to mention while on our walk, another exercising woman yelled at me, precious kids :) and i didn't have the heart to tell her the real story. that they aren't mine, they aren't always precious, they aren't really kids, they are evil spirits. (occasionally, remember I love Zoey, Ashley... ok?) So i brought her downstairs and after a few minutes she was asleep lying on the couch with me. we stayed there for a few hours and then off to pick up Sam at school. Having to assemble three kids, and dinner for two of them, and getting an infant home and then off to baseball is difficult. it's more than a task, its a mission. then after dropping the infant off, and the now youngest attendant begging for motrin, forcing me to stop at a CVS while we are running late to the game, to run in and purchase an 8 dollar bottle of motrin so he can dry swallow one capsule, sort of just makes me more mad? then the little fart fell asleep on the way to his baseball game, i can't tell you how tempted i was to just turn the car around and go home and skip the game. 

Luckily, even when kids are big time snots, there are still times that you just can't help but love them. like when zoey napped with me, and when i snapped some pictures of sam sleeping in the car, when Sam got to play catcher, and was really excited, and I was on the edge of my seat freaking out, and when James asks me to help him look for something in his science book and i find it the second he hands it to me and he follows that by saying 'oh just shut up," while i coyly grin at him :) those are good things. 

then Sam and James' mom came just in time for the last inning, and I got to chat with her for a while. She even hugged me when she saw me. it was monumental for us. She told me that the boys adore Zoey, and that they really love me. She said never in her life have the boys looked forward to her having to go to work. This made my day a million trillion times better, just in time for bedtime pretty much. 

my wise soon to be doctor friend advised me to get a good nights sleep and eat a healthy breakfast to recharge in the morning. but i've got therapy tomorrow afternoon so i figure that will recharge me enough. wish me luck with my first appointment in three months! i'm sure i have plenty of child rearing blues to share with good ole doc. 

27 ripe years!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Ashley!! 

Zoey and I had so much fun helping make Ashley's birthday the best ever. We woke up at 6:30 AM, and started decorating. In the dark. Not the brightest idea. (ha. literally) I woke up on purpose, but apparently Zoey could feel that I was up to lots of good so she decided to quietly wake up and join in on the fun. We got streamers up, and birthday hats, and party poppers, and a happy birthday banner up, all before Ashley woke up! Zoey even had time to take a morning nap. Then she woke at the perfect time for her Mommy to open her present, and for them to wear the party hats that I made them. Ash's said 'It's my Birthday" and Zoey's said "It's my Momma's Birthday!" [pictures to come soon]

After pumpkin spice pancakes, Zoey and I sent everyone off to work. Then Zoey and I played all day. Ashley and I had been talking about getting in Zoey's crib. That sounded weird. 

It all started when one of Ashley's friends talked about how when her daughter used to get fussy, that she would just climb into the crib with her so that she would go to sleep. She said it was really comfortable. So Ashley and I became interested in that. So today, Zoey was just crawling around in her crib, so I jumped in and we just played in the crib. I held her in the air and showed her how to stand up holding the side of the crib (sorry if that's going to become a problem Ashley...) and she was so cute! She saw her room and crib in a whole new light. 

Then we went and picked up a cookie cake at the mall to surprise Ashley with when she came home from work. Unfortunately we took our trip to the mall too early, so we browsed around. Baby Gap was the stupidest place for me to ever go. I found Zoey some cute cute things for her 6 month birthday later in the week, and of course I had to buy them. Honestly, there is no possible way to deny purchasing cute baby clothes after seeing them. Seriously, no way. 

So we surprised the Mommy with a cake, and then the parents went out for dinner, and Zoey and I had a girls night in. until she feel asleep in my arms at 8 pm. It was the perfect day, happy 27th Ashley!!

Baby Scoots, Baby Crawls, Baby Steps, and Baby Falls

All my little babes in action. The boys really are so good with Zoey. They are so anxious to know about the new things that she can do whenever they get to see her. And of course, more than willing to play with her. I think they like it that I am there with the baby instead of an 'adult', because I have a little bit more flexibility when it comes to kids holding babies (dont' worry Ash). I want them to, I think that is the only way they won't be afraid of them... but the spit up thing... that's a different story.

But I ain't giving up, love will come back around.

i'm having a really hard time right now. just with life i guess. there isn't anything going remarkably wrong, but it's like nothing is going remarkably great so that equates unhappiness? its very weird. i'm trying to push all this unhappiness into studying more, but its really just having the opposite effect. 

ever since i had a bad experience when i was only 17, i learned that the best method to life, is to wear your heart on your sleeve. and generally, this gets me through life accordingly. its an ok theory. the only bad part is that not really many other people share my views regarding that. So its difficult to talk to people when i try to be really honest and they either don't know how to handle it, or they think i'm just full of it. 

the truth is, my life has taken a dramatic turn ever since OCD reared its ugly head. I used to be a little more self focused and constantly trying to fulfill my own happiness. Now, I see what a difference I can be for others, and how I can use that in a positive aspect, instead of just wasting it all on me. Today, Zoey and I went to go pick up my sister from school and we sat in the parking lot and zoey stood on my lap and knawed on the steering wheel and kept accidentally falling onto the horn and honking at random kids. and it was one of the sweetest moments i've ever experienced. the horn scared her a little, but i really think she was getting a kick out of it. these moments are so precious, and to tell you the truth, when kids are around... they really aren't so rare! I feel blessed beyond measure to be doing what I'm doing now. 

I had a doctors visit this week. And it was stressful to me. The only thing there seems to be to talk about now is the future. And that is one thing that I don't even want to think about. Right now, I don't know what I want to do, so it seems pretty difficult to try to make future plans. And everyone says that its fine to not know what you want to do, but in the back of my mind i do know what i want to do. I want to be a mom. Desperately. And I always scoff at the people who say this, I feel like its almost a cop out to life. Like you don't want any responsibilities, so you'll just be a Mom. But, if I've learned anything in the past few months, its that that statement is entirely untrue. 

So I find myself in another waiting room. Only this time, not in my doctor's office. In my life. 

And it's really uncomfortable. 

I feel lost and tired about the future, but for right now I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be... I wish that seemed like enough. 

sometimes life is faster than a flash.

i am by no means a photographer, but i do like recording the lives of my nannying kids because they grow so fast. enjoy, because i do! 

this is sams face regarding most things that occur. 

two pashiras, true love.

we often have our hands full.

photo courtesy of sam's stealing skillz. 
they are pretty obsessed with each other.

practice equates perfect when without power