pashmina is sorta like pashira.

i love fall weather. i just want to snuggle up in it, and that is currently being made possible via my pashmina from Paris that John brought me back as a sussy. And a good sussy, indeed! 

yesterday I was blessed with getting the opportunity to help my dear friends mother help clean up and pack her house to get ready for her soon to come move. I had so much fun just chatting with her about just the ordinary, and cleaning with her. She is so insightful. You know those kind of people that you can be around, and they can just read your actions and facial expressions like a book? she's one of those, and I love her for it. 

work is in full swing again, and i am so relieved. i am thankful for the break most of all because I got to hang out with the precious Bell family. They really motivate me and bring me to life when I'm around them. Those three little boys may be a handful, but a precious little handful. 

i did that thing again where i talk to a random stranger. ok, here's the deal people. don't encourage me in this category. apparently there's gotta be some kind of facebook group or something of the sort devoted to seeing how much crazy things you people can get me to say to strangers. STOP IT! This time, I was positive that a boy at church looked familiar to me. So what do my friends do, oh you know, just ENCOURAGE me to go talk to him. 

the only problem is that, 'hey, you look familiar' is like the oldest trick in the book... except for this time i really meant it! not that i've used the line before. or ever even had the chance to? So i went up to him and asked him, only to be embarrassed by his answer of that it was nearly impossible that we were to ever meet seeing as he grew up in a state far far away, and then went to school in another state far far away. He did kindly mention a camp he once attended, which made me laugh and spout out that we were going too far now, next thing you know we'd be listing the McDonald's we've eaten at on the road during family vacations. Anyways, he turned out to be a nice guy, so hopefully I will see him again. And we can be church buddies. Who knows, we may even sit in the same pew next week. But don't hold your breath. Unless someone ENCOURAGES me to go over there. Don't do it. 

goal: be selfish.

(first of all, I'm not going to mention anything about 'that hurricane' because if I hear one more thing about it, I'm gonna puke). 

I had a really great time in Dallas, it is such a cool city. My Aunt lives in the heart of downtown area and I loved it. Walking when its not so humid and icky is really refreshing. I just like the casual comfort the town gives. This was really my first trip to Dallas. We've gone there for events, and driven through but never really gone there... just to go there. And it was great. 

The youth minister at my church emailed me today about a position as the director of youth registration. Now as we all know, just a few posts earlier I cried about how I wanted to serve in the youth group as a teacher, and he wouldn't 'allow' it. So what was my Christian, kind, loving response? To leave and go to a different department and ignore the youth entirely. I know, its really mature and really proving that I want to work with the youth? not. 
So as soon as he sent me that email, I felt inclined to say 'YES!' because the thought of having a place to belong sounds nice. But, after I sent it, I thought that I really didn't really ask God what he thought about it.

Sometimes, I get so lost in the idea that opportunities themselves are signs from God. But that isn't always the case. Really, rarely I suppose. So, I've gotta see what God says... but sometimes I just don't know if I'm listening to hear him. 

BTW: I didn't hit on any random boys in Dallas. It was a good week. 

Check out my friend Mark's new blog, it's a great idea. Support him. :) 

Go away Ike.

Ike completely hates me... as in still present tense. no power for my house. and my dad's finally gotten it through his skull to evacuate. a little late, but oh well. 

a couple of people, (when i say couple i'm probably embellishing, i mean its not like i have a cult following) have mentioned reading about my boy blogs, and then pursue to ask me for advice in relational dilemmas. EVERYONE: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: I do not offer sound advice. I am not emotionally stable to offer you advice seeing as how whenever I'm in a 5 foot radius from a male human I feel magnetized to his side and shaking his hand and mumbling words before I even form the sentences and the conversations normally end with 'do you have a girlfriend'. my middle name is desperation. and I KNOW... for those that tell me constantly.... I'm only 20. 

So while I wallow in the memories of handing boys hidden poems with descriptive feelings and then being ignored... all while harboring feelings that seem to never go away. I mean, its been 5 years people, can I move on already? I fear everyday someone I know is going to call Dr. Phil to my doorstep to come get me out of this relational funk/obsession I have with a 5 year... nothing. it's not even a relationship... its literally nothing. Anyways, I digress, while I wallow in the mems, I've done this new thing where I obsess over really great guys, that are ALREADY TAKEN. (If any wives are reading this, I apologize now, I don't know how to control myself). You know the normal great examples like Robbie Seay, and Matt Chandler. I obsess over reading their wives' blogs and pretending to lead the life of a mother and caring wife and all the other things that are way too far out of my reach. 

Oftentimes, and when I say often I typically mean like... everyday. I find myself quoting 'The Holiday" to myself. There's this one phrase that Iris says that hits me so hard every time I hear it... 'Unrequited Love is the Worst Kind' and yet it's my favorite.  I'm literally infatuated with the thrills (aka horrors) it brings me everyday of my life. Its all so masochistic, I just don't know what to do with myself. 

Oops... I did it again.

This attempt at talking to random boy... seemed to go a little smoother. So, we (my sister and mother and I) are at Randall's waiting in the checkout line. The woman in front of us, abandons her post... leaves her groceries on the checkout thing to go on a mad search for hushpuppies. While she's gone, the checker proceeds to begin scanning her items. Well this woman was, how do I put it nicely.... stupid? And left them all in one big fat huge pile, stupid for her, GREAT for me. So as they began falling off the conveyer belt, one by one, I waltzed (anyone notice I do a lot of 'waltzing' when it comes to boys?) up and picked the item off the floor and put it back on the belt, and smiled at Randall's checker outer boy, name tag reading: Alex. This process takes place multiple times, and he always cordially thanks me, the last time I attempt to pick up the item he chuckles and says 'This will drive you crazy!" And I smiled back to him and said something like 'happy to help'. 

So then, my Mom leans over to me and says, "I don't have my Randall's card and last time our phone number didn't work! What are we going to   do?" So I whipped out my superwoman cape and saved the day by whispering, "I know Leslie's phone number, she comes here all the time, and I've used it before." AHA! My moment to speak to 'Alex' and look him in the eye at the same time! WOO! So we finally get to go up there after the woman in front of us tells us some horribly boring story about how her husband is possessed with hushpuppies. I'm fairly positive that she meant, obsessed, but we were all too frightened to suggest that. So she finally leaves, and we go up there. And my Mom is being all weird and saying "Uh... Kelly... tell him our phone number?" Which makes it obvious to him that I'm the one that wants to tell the phone number. Well true, but really its because my Mom doesn't know Leslie's phone number. So this was awkward situation 1. Then he looks at me and says "So, what are you up to this weekend." And my Mom punches me in the gut while I choke on my own saliva. And I spit out some sort of sentence implying nothing. Then Mom says that the rest of the family is going to the Football Game tonight, and he starts getting really excited saying things like me too, blah blah. And then my Mom is like, "We can never get Kelly to come to the games... She should still support her Alma Mater", and he says, "I still do, even though I'm in college" (excellent throw there Alex.) SO THIS TIME... instead of asking about his relational status, I decide to just stalk him through A.) technology and B.) the game attendees. 

My sister got involved for the search of Alex and we eventually stumbled over him through the computer. End ups Alex loves Jesus, watches great TV, has excellent priorities, and has a strong and steady girlfriend. Embarrassment for today saved? barely. 

My sister is just over here crossing her fingers that Alex calls Leslie's phone number and asks to speak to me. 

Why Did I Ask THAT?

so. 

i did it again. 

that thing where i make a fool out of myself while trying to attract a guy. 

i'm seriously going to have to start writing a book about these horrible encounters. 

This time, it was with Apple Store Guy. Earlier in the month, Ashley and I took my computer to have a part replaced, and Apple Store Guy was really funny. He was the person that helped me with my computer, and we had some exceptionally witty banter. And he was cute. which these days is just a plus. 

So I go to meet a good friend of mine at the mall for lunch and conversation, and after she leaves, I decide to high tail it to the store one last time, just to peek and see if he's there. And he was. So I rush out of the store, and desperately call Ashley seeking some wise council. Basically, I just needed her to tell me 'now or never!' and she did, so I went back in there. This time the greeter said 'Hi, welcome to the Apple Store.... oh wait, weren't you already in here?' to which I replied 'yeah, just back to look at something [er.. someone]'. So I look around the store waiting for some kind of perfect sign that I should talk to him again. Talking to people I don't know very well has never been a strong point. I know its not common for girls to initiate interest in boys, but at least some girls can actually talk to them. 

As I walk around, I realize... there isn't really much to look at in the store. Computer... but I already have one. And they'd then approach me to buy one, and I'd either have to lie, or tell them that I already had one. Then the iPhone, which again, they would pester me about. And I already have an iPod, so this was dangerous territory. I ended up placing myself at the time machines, you know.. the extra storage and memory devices. WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS SPOT, i don't know. there were only like 4 things to look at, and making a decision really isn't that hard when it comes to memory space. But, it was all about location. This spot was right next to the back door that Apple Guy kept going through to get parts and stuff. So, I positioned myself there until he came back out where I was going to randomly strike up a conversation. I was here for a long time. So long, that the Apple employees began to tell me I had been there for a long time. I got really good at saying 'well, I don't want to rush making a decision'. (about talking, not about the stupid memory thing). 

Finally, 30 minutes later. I end up sitting on a stool RIGHT next to the back door, staring at it. Waiting for him to return. And he finally does, as soon as I see him I whip out "you are the hardest person to try to talk to!?' (highlight my already stalker-ish qualities) And then he looks at me and laughs. So we small chatted for a second, he remembered me and made some jokes about how Zoey had been with me and Ashley, I told him about my computer. Asked him about work. We talked for a few minutes, and then I said 'So, do you have a girlfriend?' To which he replied "No."

....

"But I do have a fiance."

I just fell up the stairs. And yes, it's embarrassing even in your own house.

My friends and I are studying James right now, and I'm not knowing how to take it all in. 

Mostly because, I am OH SO FAMILIAR with this passage, the first chapter that is. About trials and tribulations, and perseverance. 

As I was reading the part that we agreed to read, I was just being entirely negative. Why was it not registering in my brain that I am reading God's word? Why does it seem like I am the only one who acts like everything happening is the worst thing in the world. Ok, so some guy has a girlfriend already... move on! Why does everything have to be a huge pity party and I have to have some gigantic dramatic desperation exit scene from every aspect of my life. Really, I'm like that. Get to know me. 

So when James writes that we will face trials and tribulations, I'm already complaining! 

-but why God?
-when do they stop?
- how do I know when I've peaked with perseverance if I'm always being tried!!?? 

So I did a little research on the first chapter. Sarah posted a really great link about more information on the book of James. And there was a section of question pages to pass out to students. I looked at that and then laughed. There was no way that if I was ever handed that paper that I would EVER even consider doing it. It was like a history assignment. So I clicked over to the answer page... and it was actually really interesting. 

But the part that caught my attention was their allusion to what Paul says in 1 Corinthians: 

Peter points out that perseverence is part of a process; that it is one step we must go through to demonstrate that our faith is genuine.

So, I am DEMONSTRATING that my faith is genuine. Which obviously, I'm not currently doing. It's opened up a whole new door for me now. It's not like I'm supposed to be all 'Gee whiz God, thanks for giving me this horrible trial today that I could conquer with a smile and a sweater set. Golly Gee, You're the greatest. I have so much perseverance now [insert dimple-finger pointing thing]". 

NO! I'm just supposed to breathe, take on the problems, and know that getting through them and trusting in Jesus is showing that my Faith is REAL, that is exists, that it is genuine. And that sounds like a pretty sufficient trade off for the average trial. 

why am i crazy?

so, i write a post about how sucky the boys are in my age frame. and of course, that is true. that goes without saying. 

so what do i decide to do? make a fool out of myself, that's what. now i totally understand why men don't do movie-esque things whenever they see girls that they like. for example, talk to them upon first meeting, ask them out randomly. first of all, because they're cowards, but second of all, because rejection is the ickiest thing ever! 

I can tell this story now because I've told all the important people already. That's the only bad part that comes along with having a blog. I have all these 'great' stories to tell, but I wait to post them until I've told them in real life to people. I always end up forgetting someone and then I go to tell them the story and they are all 'yeah, I read it on your blog already'. well.. crap! 

So Kayla and I go to church Sunday night. There's a boy on stage playing the guitar, that for some reason is really getting my attention. Has anyone met me? I'm like, really anti-boy most of the time. I kept feeling like he was looking at me, but I was honestly competing that idea with the fact that I was trying to just flatter myself into believing it. So at the end of service, I get this huge knot in my stomach telling me that I have to do something. I'm sitting there, basically chanting... 'why God? Why!! This will be so embarrassing. Must I?' and He responded with yes, and not only could I not fight him, but I decided that landing in the middle of a whale (or giant fish)'s belly is really not on my current to-do list. So I waltz on stage (as if I own the place or something?) stick my hand out, and say "I know this is really weird, but name is Kelly, what is yours". Then we had a typical 2 minute conversation and I left the stage. Trickery I tell you, because the only real reason to figure his name out, as I'm sure he knows NOW seeing as how I then basically demanded his last name, is that we are now friends on facebook.

Now here's the dilemma. How are you to know if a random guy has a girlfriend already? And now you feel like a stalker, or annoyance, or just plain stupid. These people don't wear any identifying paraphernalia to direct girls such as myself away from them. But they should. 

So that's what happens when I jump out of my 'age group' and do something that I've NEVER done before. And obviously, will never do again. It's just, decent guys are hard to find. And when I say hard, I really mean impossible. Next time, I'll just order some irony with a side of humiliation.