i could say that i don't care, but the truth is i'd follow you anywhere.

Wow. what a journey the past several days have been. 

i turned 20.

i got to be a substitute/helpful mommy for a week. 

got a job, my dream job really.

drove to the airport alone. 

bought the camera of my dreams. 

met with God openly and vividly at the altar of my church. 

and had a wound reopened when i thought it had just finished healing. 

of course, all that i just wrote will be foggy to most. and i hate to read (aka blogstalk) other people and not know what they're talking about. like they owe me a look into their world, just because they have a blog. nosy and pushy, right?

obviously, the 20 thing doesn't really need further explanation. i will say that it was the best birthday of my life. awoken with zoey and ashley singing to me, and breakfast in bed with those infamous larger than life number candles, which i've always secretly wanted but my mom always said they were a waste. i took a birthday nap with zoey in my arms. went to the cheesecake factory with two of the greatest blessings of my life. spoiled myself with some GAP shirts. and lastly had family time. 

being a substitute mommy was great. :) Ashley's husband was out of town for a week so i moved in to help with Zoey. juggling responsibilities, feedings, sleep and life in general with a 3 (almost 4!!! ) month old is quite a feat with two parents, so we can only imagine what it would be like a single parent. props to those of you who have won a gold medal in that category. i had a blast with them two. helping in however i could. getting to hold Zoey and sing to her and talk to her. and teach her the word narf. she hasn't caught on yet, but i can see it forming. it was such a blessing to be with them, to have a vacation away from normality and to just bask in peacefulness (i know, weird with a crying baby huh?) and friendship and love. 

Ashley got a job, so I get to nanny Zoey. only the dream of my life. mostly because i know how happy that it makes Ashley. Me benefitting from it was just a little bit extra of God's goodness. 

airport thing, also self explanatory. my friend flew in at 11:45 pm, so he asked if i would be willing to pick him up at that unheard of hour. and i agreed. so i flew the coop alone. and did it without any problems. God is good. 

I'm in love with my camera, thanks to my loving and giving family who all contributed for this great purchase. 

And these last two actually go together. 

i saw Joel's facebook message on my phone at 9, while in early church. after i read that he was contacting me, and apologizing and wanting closure. i didn’t know how to respond. i absolutely hate to have the ball in my court when it comes to boys. i want/think/and truly believe that boys should always be in charge. so when he left it open in my court i was shocked, dismayed, and hurt. wondering why this old wound needed to be revisited. 

i couldn’t listen to the rest of the sermon. at the altar call i went and prayed. i was hesitant at first to go up to the front, mostly just for OCD reasons, of being alone. so i sat there and started praying to God about what to say to him, how to react to the situation and thanking him and praising him for my new opportunities in the nannying world. after i’d only been there for about 30 seconds, when i felt hands on my shoulder. One of the strongest, bravest, most wonderful prayer warriors in our church was hugging me and kneeling next to me, and she asked if i would mind if she prayed for me. and of course, i was like, PLEASE DO! i mean, this is the woman you think of when you're sitting at the kitchen table reading your Bible, trying to get closer to Christ and wondering how some people seem to be the closest people to Christ you've ever known. She began to pray, of course she is not unfamiliar with the reasons that I am home, i try to not really keep that privy. so throughout most of her spectacular converstation with God I assumed she was addressing my OCD struggles and hardships with knowing what to do, and why. Which of course isn’t all of the sudden a non-issue, just one that has been on the backburner for a while. Then she started shaking, and she said in her prayer that she knows and feels the clear and important purpose that God has for me. She feels it so strongly that it causes her to tremble, which she physically began to do, and then she started crying. I teared up a little, but as we all know, i’m not really too big into the waterworks. Then I just walked back to my pew, with somewhat of a sense of peace, but also shaking a little as well. 

God is earth-shattering. I feel so blessed. 


  1. I love that you feel at peace. That makes me really happy. I can't wait to be updated in full once I am finally better.

    PS-You must have changed your facebook picture at the exact moment when I click on your page yesterday because I saw the pretty eye picture but found the usual picture when I clicked onto it.

    I love you :]

  2. This makes me feel peaceful too. I adore knowing you and calling you my friend. God is so...miraculous, spontaneous, ___________fill in the blank. Doesn't he give us just what we need just when we need it? Praise the Lord for airports and jobs and well, life.

  3. thank you for explaining everything for all the fellow blog stalkers in the world=) Im really excited even though Im EXTREMELY jealous of your new nanny job. But I guess I will get my very own very soon!

    What kind of camera did you get I am currently saving all my Ebay money to buy a really good camera before the little fart comes!

  4. I admire your strength and I am so happy for you! I just caught up a bit reading through your blog... I found it through my sister's.

    I'm sure you have your hands full with all the nannying but if you are ever looking for some extra baby sitting jobs, give me a call! :-)