the menial men

can we please talk about the men (aka boys) that are in my age frame. 

what has happened to the youth of our nation? 

I go to a professional football game, on accounts of my father's business. And we sit in a suite. The suite normally rocks because of the food, but the real catch is that you are forced into a very small box with people, 'professionals' who are anything but! 

This time, there were a lot of men (boys) my age in the box. Interns, first years, etc. You know, still talking about their wild fraternity days and sporting their class rings. And what do all these men care about? First of all, not being polite and talking to me. Second of all, not even the game. I knew more about what was going on then they did, and that's really not that unlikely because I am a football obsessor, but still... shouldn't they be too? They are 'business men' after all. All they care about is the copious amounts of free alcohol they are entitled to because of sitting in a box, and whenever the 'cheerleaders' are on the big screen. it was really just... gross. luckily, the cheerleaders were wearing football jersey's that plain as day said 
on the back, because otherwise I would have been getting them confused with the players right and left. pah. 

the entire scene was just aggravating. I watched these men (boys) drown themselves, literally, in alcohol. They man (boy) sitting in the box next to us, however physically sitting right next to me, was on his 5th beer when we were leaving during the 3rd quarter. Now, I don't know a lot about alcohol, so I asked my Dad... 'is 5 of those cups of beers a lot of alcohol to ingest?' and he said 'um.. definitely'. 

It's just sad. What happened to chivalry? To romance? To having a good time, because you're having a good time. To talking to the pretty girl, instead of snickering with your pals and all glancing over at her in unison and making her feel like a billboard ad? WHERE ARE THE SANE MEN?

talk is cheap.

Today begins a new week. 

Online school starts tomorrow, my first day with Zoey while Ashley is actually teaching begins tomorrow. My life doing school at home starts tomorrow. 

I'm feeling a little anxious, but I know that God does not give me anything I cannot handle. 

Here's what's rattling my brain so much though. And basically the rest of this is me just ranting. 
I told the newly acquired youth minister at my family's church that I would really like to be a Sunday School Teacher, they are in desperate need of workers, and I have been desperately seeking a place to belong. I felt God tugging on my heart to look into this over the past school year while I was a volunteer in the Seniors class. The new YM said that would be great if I could do that. He told my mother that he would be emailing me shortly about it. Well, unfortunately he never did. So I took it upon myself to email him. nothing conquered, nothing gained. So I did, and he wrote back that he really appreciated my willingness to serve, but the he does not allow college students to teach Sunday School. 

And here comes the ranting. What if I weren't in college. What if I was married. What if I had a full time working job.(which I pretty much do).  What if I was 28 and in college? What if you don't have all the help you need ( which you don't) and I am a willing person to fulfill the spot. What ever happened to just being able to share the gospel, and teach others, and invest in them daily? Why are there rules? My heart is broken. 

He said something about that it was an unfortunate rule he made, but he sticks to it even when there are more than capable teachers, like myself. So to me, I already came up with a grand new scheme that he should use in order to fill the teaching positions. I think that possible teachers should have to fill out a form and answer questions. And then I think that he should decided if and where to place them, according to their thoughts, desires, feelings, and answers. That way he could give the opportunity to 'college students' that could handle it. 

So today, I cried in the bathroom at church. It was so sitcom tv of me. I couldn't handle being on the third floor and not having a place to belong. I went into the girls bathroom sat in a stall and just cried. I eventually was pushed into the 'college room' by my mother, but there was only one other person in there. And I just know I don't belong there. 

I want to invest and teach a group of girls, and show them what being a Christian woman really means. I don't want them to all have their friends mom's as teachers. I want them to see that people other than parents care about them, and want to be around them, and want to know about them and pray with and for them. I wanted to be able to do that. I wanted to show the girls that nothing and no one is perfect, heck... no one can even relate to perfect. And the Christian walk is nothing without times of failure and falling down. 

Needless to say, I'm not sure what to do. I may be looking for a new church now. If I can't teach and feed others, than I'm going to have to find a place where I at least can be fed the Gospel. And it breaks my heart. 

i survived. and then sang hallelujah at Kroger.

so. i made it through my 11 hour workday. 

i love the boys dearly, already, after one day. 

James and Samuel are great! We rented a movie (pardon me, a blu-ray movie, the boys would definitely want people to know that) and watched it in their media room. yes... that's right media room. it was so much fun! lounging in the padded recliners and sipping my half price sonic drink while safely cradling itself in the snug cupholder. also, they have the perfect fleece blankets in there. and they keep the media room cold, so snuggling up with the blankets made life seem so comfortable. 

they had to pay me back for lunch and the movie today so sam (paco) went upstairs to get the money to pay me. keep in mind this is a 5th grader we're talking about. he counts out the money, all in one dollar bills, outloud to me and then realizes that he's missing a dollar. he jumps back in the room a few moments later stating that he dropped a bill on the floor. i told him because of his counting skills and his form in laying the bills down, he most likely had a future in banking. he laughed and said they don't hire bankers who drop dollars on the stairs. then i asked him what he did want to be, and he said 'i don't know kenny, that's a long way off' and then galloped away. it was so precious. 

then they started their daily 4 oclock xbox time. seriously, its like therapy to them. they schedule it daily to 'chill out'. direct phrasing here. so they sat in the media room and blasted away screaming and jumping with delight while staring at the 90 inch screen. 

they really were quite entertaining and fun, and just what i needed. i am so thankful for this job. 

tomorrow i get to be with zoey and love on her all day long! i cannot imagine a more spectacular week. 

God, your grace is more than i could ever imagine. i do not know why i continually resist to lay the entire complexity of my life in your hands. 

and i really did sing hallelujah while standing in kroger. and then this man came up to me and said that it was really good and even requested me to sing it again. i blushed, and just looked at my mom who was hysterically laughing and then i said 'i didn't really realize i was singing it'. and my mom suddenly bursts out with 'are you kidding me? you were busting it out'. i guess i'm just filled with the spirit. :)

day 1 survival

so, i'm at my new job currently. it's pretty cool. the boys are both pretty awesome. i got here at 8, they were still sleeping so i grabbed the house key and drove thru starbucks to get me a little morning pick me up. then came back to the sleeping babies. then at 10 i woke them up with a rain stick. i needed something loud but casual, you know... since they don't really know me, and i'm sure hardly even remember that i was coming today. the youngest even insisted that my name was Kenny. so i guess that has become my nickname. ha.

i finally took the plunge and bought an iTouch. and let me tell you, nothing has been harder than pushing away the desires to hold the iTouch to my ear while i am drivng and pretend its an iPhone. it's just... everyone always gets so disappointed whenever they say 'oh! is that an iPhone?' and i have to respond with 'its just a measley iTouch'. luckily, the measley iTouch is occupying Paco well right now.

danity kane is such a weird name.

first things first, i hate liars. 

especially when its the computer. and i can't yell at it, or make it feel bad, or have it apologize to me. i just have to sit with this anger until it goes away. 

ocd spectrum: things are going well. i even cancelled my appointment tomorrow because i'm going to make them every three weeks. which is sort of like once a month, but not really. i went on my first drive long distance alone, an hour and a half to visit a friend and spend the night at her house. it went really well surprisingly, and i encourage everyone to go see Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, because its great. and if you don't go see it, at least invest in the literature, because all 4 books really are great. plus Amber Tamblyn is hysterical as Tibby. 

On my way home today, i even decided to branch out and stop at a walmart on my way home, because the internet had told me that they had an iPod accessory that I have been searching for. well, 2 hours and three walmarts later, this accessory was nowhere to be found. seriously. nowhere. so i settled for a more expensive version. and had a minor meltdown in the car. i had been on the phone with my mother twenty times: all of which ended with me grunting, yelling, or just hanging up. i know, mature. so then on the way home i called and apologized. and cried, because as much as ocd controls your mind, it really controls your emotions and reactions as well. and i couldn't even stand the way i had treated my family when they were trying to help me, but i was having such a hard time being in an unfamiliar place alone. luckily, they were understanding. once i finally arrived home though, i still wasn't completely over the lying computer, so i changed quickly into my pj's and washed my hands super well, and then took a well deserved nap. i think i'm over it now. 

my schedule has already quickly begun to fill up with jobs and babysitting, as well as my nannying jobs. sometimes when i'm bored, i open up my calendar and look at all the times i have scheduled and just smile and revel in my accomplishment with overcoming problems. 

i'm so anxious for my online classes and my nannying to start. God is so good, even in times of struggles. 

i could say that i don't care, but the truth is i'd follow you anywhere.

Wow. what a journey the past several days have been. 

i turned 20.

i got to be a substitute/helpful mommy for a week. 

got a job, my dream job really.

drove to the airport alone. 

bought the camera of my dreams. 

met with God openly and vividly at the altar of my church. 

and had a wound reopened when i thought it had just finished healing. 

of course, all that i just wrote will be foggy to most. and i hate to read (aka blogstalk) other people and not know what they're talking about. like they owe me a look into their world, just because they have a blog. nosy and pushy, right?

obviously, the 20 thing doesn't really need further explanation. i will say that it was the best birthday of my life. awoken with zoey and ashley singing to me, and breakfast in bed with those infamous larger than life number candles, which i've always secretly wanted but my mom always said they were a waste. i took a birthday nap with zoey in my arms. went to the cheesecake factory with two of the greatest blessings of my life. spoiled myself with some GAP shirts. and lastly had family time. 

being a substitute mommy was great. :) Ashley's husband was out of town for a week so i moved in to help with Zoey. juggling responsibilities, feedings, sleep and life in general with a 3 (almost 4!!! ) month old is quite a feat with two parents, so we can only imagine what it would be like a single parent. props to those of you who have won a gold medal in that category. i had a blast with them two. helping in however i could. getting to hold Zoey and sing to her and talk to her. and teach her the word narf. she hasn't caught on yet, but i can see it forming. it was such a blessing to be with them, to have a vacation away from normality and to just bask in peacefulness (i know, weird with a crying baby huh?) and friendship and love. 

Ashley got a job, so I get to nanny Zoey. only the dream of my life. mostly because i know how happy that it makes Ashley. Me benefitting from it was just a little bit extra of God's goodness. 

airport thing, also self explanatory. my friend flew in at 11:45 pm, so he asked if i would be willing to pick him up at that unheard of hour. and i agreed. so i flew the coop alone. and did it without any problems. God is good. 

I'm in love with my camera, thanks to my loving and giving family who all contributed for this great purchase. 

And these last two actually go together. 

i saw Joel's facebook message on my phone at 9, while in early church. after i read that he was contacting me, and apologizing and wanting closure. i didn’t know how to respond. i absolutely hate to have the ball in my court when it comes to boys. i want/think/and truly believe that boys should always be in charge. so when he left it open in my court i was shocked, dismayed, and hurt. wondering why this old wound needed to be revisited. 

i couldn’t listen to the rest of the sermon. at the altar call i went and prayed. i was hesitant at first to go up to the front, mostly just for OCD reasons, of being alone. so i sat there and started praying to God about what to say to him, how to react to the situation and thanking him and praising him for my new opportunities in the nannying world. after i’d only been there for about 30 seconds, when i felt hands on my shoulder. One of the strongest, bravest, most wonderful prayer warriors in our church was hugging me and kneeling next to me, and she asked if i would mind if she prayed for me. and of course, i was like, PLEASE DO! i mean, this is the woman you think of when you're sitting at the kitchen table reading your Bible, trying to get closer to Christ and wondering how some people seem to be the closest people to Christ you've ever known. She began to pray, of course she is not unfamiliar with the reasons that I am home, i try to not really keep that privy. so throughout most of her spectacular converstation with God I assumed she was addressing my OCD struggles and hardships with knowing what to do, and why. Which of course isn’t all of the sudden a non-issue, just one that has been on the backburner for a while. Then she started shaking, and she said in her prayer that she knows and feels the clear and important purpose that God has for me. She feels it so strongly that it causes her to tremble, which she physically began to do, and then she started crying. I teared up a little, but as we all know, i’m not really too big into the waterworks. Then I just walked back to my pew, with somewhat of a sense of peace, but also shaking a little as well. 

God is earth-shattering. I feel so blessed.