"it's just make-believe. it isn't satisfying"

as i sit here, ethos water bottle in hand, soggy hankerchief misplaced downstairs spreading germs like crazy... i can't help but cry out to God in desperation to feel like I belong. to feel accepted, to feel like i have a place, a purpose. to feel the complete opposite of rejected. 

because for the past years, that's how i felt. rejected by relationships, friendships, job opportunities, rejected by rejecting the 'normal' behavior of someone my age in this era. 

sometimes, i just feel like people can't hear me. like somehow, i pressed my own mute button... and for years i've been searching to find it again and i just can't. 

you know when you're at a really low point in life, and you feel like you're crawling on the ground to make it through life, and you just keep gettin' kicked by all your situations? i literally think i've felt like that for years. of course, it was unbenounced OCD (among a plethora of other things)... and now, trying to grasp my bearings is proving to be a much harder task than i ever imagined..... ever. 

remember when disney fed us a bunch of crap about wishing upon a star? yeah, first of all it's a lie. wishing and hoping doesn't bring you all your dreams come true. it doesn't bring healing, it doesn't bring the romance you've been chasing since 11th grade homecoming.... it doesn't bring anything. 

Luckily my Savior does, so my solemn prayer to Him tonight is that He will expand my view of who He is. Because He is so much more than I can ever comprehend. do it Lord, shatter my mind with who You are. 

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