goodbye Yellow Brick Road

Happy Birthday to me!

It's great to be in a new age frame/group. 

I LOVE CHANGES!!!!

plus ashley got a job, and i'm watching Zoey full time (ish) starting in August!!!! EVERYBODY rejoice!!! for our God is Good. 

can't somebody just tickle me?

first of all, i'm addicted to jon and kate plus 8, and i know that TLC knows this. hence why they show a million episodes at bedtime. 

in my future's horizon.... i've got two jobs. watching precious Zoey while her awesome Mommy subs, and then also working 2 days a week for a family nannying. i'm really excited. i get to meet my nanny family tomorrow night. i'm really thankful for this opportunity. i've been praying for God to bring me the perfect opportunity and I was really skeptical about the offers that i had been given. none seemed to be the perfect fit, and i really wanted something more part time, because i want to have enough time to bless as many families as possible. i want every second of my time spent at home to serve a purpose. when i first got the call for the nannying position, i was certain i was absolutely declining it. but then i thought about how the offer arose. 

at church on sunday, the teacher did not arrive. so the class voted me to teach, and instead of teaching (surprise) i hosted a sort of meet and greet for the class. eventually the teacher showed up, and she loved what we were doing. so she instructed us to start all over. right about then a girl in class showed up late, just in time to hear me re-tell about my calling to stay home this semester and following where he leads. later i received a call from her about this opportunity. i felt like it was weird since it was for someone i have never met. that it wasn't a family that i felt super close to, and that it basically wasn't something that i had chosen. 

but the more time i thought about it, the more i thought about the opportunities that could arise from this. blessing a family i don't know yet. being a responsible nanny, when they can't find anyone to help them out. it's exactly the opportunity that i was longing for and i wasn't even trying to take it. 

so i made the call, and i'm meeting them tomorrow. 

i'm also mostly relieved because i was really concerned about losing time with Zoey and Ashley. I just love them so much, they are a part of me and my story. and I really want Ashley to be able to do whatever she wants, whether that's staying at home, or teaching, or subbing, or getting her master's. of course, selfishly i want to get to take care of the most precious and beautiful baby in the WORLD, so hearing that she might sub was like music to my ears, and the cherry on top of this potential plan. 

also, here's the OCD part of the story. and let this not go without praise. today while driving, for the first time, i was able to look at the people in the cars next to me at stoplights. 

it's a first, its a step, and i couldn't be happier. 

All things work together for our good , God works his purposes, just like He said He would.

It was only a few months ago that my life was turned upside down by the ailing corruption of OCD.

It was only a few months ago that I cried everyday, all day long.

It was only a few months ago, that my mom had to drive me back to school to get all of my belongings, and I had to have her hold my hands and guide me through the school campus, because I couldn’t look at it. I was covering my face with my hands. And wiping the tears at the same time. It was all a nightmare. Every single thing that I saw sparked an irrational fear or worry, and made me feel sick inside.


It was just a few months ago that I had to bring all my friends in my dorm room and explain to them that I was leaving school because of a sickness that they could hardly understand.


It was just a few months ago, that I started taking medication and seeing regular therapist, things that I never thought that I would ever ever ever have to do.


It was just a few months ago that I had to wake up every single morning at 6 am, because I was afraid to be alone so I had to go with my mother to take everyone to school. Every single morning.


It was just a few months ago, that my sister had to go with me into public bathrooms.


It was just a few months ago that when I took a shower, that someone had to sit outside of the door, the entire time.


It was just a few months ago that I had to shut my door every single night and keep multiple large clanky necklaces on the handle because that was the only way I could fall asleep knowing that my family would be well aware of when I woke up by the noise I created with my door.


It was only a few months ago that every single time I was in worship at church I burst into sobbing. Not just crying, sobbing. My entire family would stand in our pew and hold hands through the entire portion of the service.


It was just a few months ago that I refused to drive a car. And if I did, whoever was in the car with me had to be aware of everything that was happening, and had to answer every question I asked about trash in the middle of the road.


It was just a few months ago that my life was spiraling completely out of my control, and I was certain that my life, was completely and utterly over.


Now, a few months later, I can’t imagine not have going through those things. What a joy it is to realize what taking things for granted, really means. 


how deep do you wanna go? because i'll go there if i can.

i actually realistically have talked to laura, my therapist about the aforementioned subject of boys.

unfortunately the advice she gives, isn't really advice at all. seeing as she really is a cognitive behavioral therapist and not a relational counselor. as well as the little advice that she has given, can be summarized in 'just tell them how you feel' and we all know how great that turns out.

so, thank you for your concern, and although i made a joke about laura's inability to be able to understand the male species, she really can't help me. plus, even though i make it sound like a huge dilemma right now, i actually have other fish to fry during my 5o minute session with her.

the fight for you is all i've ever known.

a few blurbs about love and things that are like it. 

once upon a time i told a boy that he was unapproachable. meaning i could never approach him to talk to him, because i never got the chance. also meaning that he rarely took the time to get to know people or spend time with them judging by the fact that that seemed to be his theory with me. 

so i get a text today saying 'you aren't giving me any opportunities to be approachable'. 

i'm sorry? it's now MY job to give boys opportunities to be approachable? how about grow a pair, and be a man, and fight for what you want. 

so this of course, spurred another deep and intense conversation with a  friend of mine of the male species about love and this and that and the other. he told me that girls always think that they have the male mind figured out but they never really do. and i said 'oh brother, yes i do have them figured out.' and the following is my motto on most boys: 

they don't care. unless they really do. 

and it's that simple. there are loopholes and tragedies and triumphs and ups and downs that can be included in that theory, but it's real. and it's true. and i know it all too well. 

my friend then suggested that i ask my therapist about my love life and its constant state of dilemma and non-existentness. and i said "i just don't think you understand. my therapist is a cognitive behavioral therapist. That means she studies brains and thinking. Which means she knows nothing about boys." 

susan... sarandon?

i've started a new tradition in my house. i know, it's pretty random to start traditions after living for two decades or so, but i'm doing it. i've started forcing my family to look at pictures of when i was first introduced to the family, (aka my birth) starting at the beginning of my birthday month. which is of course, now. 

unfortunately, the only person in my family who will comply with this desire is my sweet father. so for the past few days we've sat down with the raggedy photo albums from what seems like forever ago and gaze at me in tiny form. sometimes, when i look at these pictures i like, really freak out. is that really me? in an alien body? it's so weird. 

but my favorite part about this, is that after we have gone through the book a few times, and my dad has gotten over the sheer shock of how delightfully precious i was, he begins to only focus on the the clothes that he is wearing in the photographs, and that he misses them. the conversations begin to go a little something like this: 

me: 'oh, look at my little smile! it's like i don't know what's going on!' 
dad: 'oh! my chicago bears shirt!!!'
me: 'oh and there i am, wait... where is that at?'
dad: 'awwww man... there's my oakland A's hat.... i've got that somewhere'. 
me: ' and there's sam! i wish i could remember knowing him' 
dad: 'i loved that saints t-shirt'. 

life is precious. 

your love's like ultraviolet, i can feel it burn but i like it.

i'm getting old, and i've never been more excited. 

seriously. 

yesterday afternoon, i told my sister that if she and her friend wanted to go to the mall, i would take them. i remember being unable to drive, but wanting to go places, so i try to be there for my sister, since i didn't have an older sister. so around 3, she and her friend and myself packed up in the car in search of some of the latest fashions, at the lowest prices. 

after gaining a migraine from their constant high pitched voices, i told them they were going to have to settle down, seriously. then on the way home, they requested for the radio to be tuned to something they can 'jam to'. so i adjusted it and they started chanting/singing some ridiculous rap-esque song, and after about thirty seconds, i just couldn't stand it. i changed the radio to the oldies station and found myself in a Utopia i had been searching for all day. i turned the volume down by multiple decibels and just smiled. then i saw my reflection in the glass and i realized, i'm getting old. i'm closer to stability and normality and i've never been happier to welcome the wrinkles. just a few at least. 

if we stay or walk away, there's one thing that's true; i still love you

pink eye freakin' hurts like the Dickens. I don't know what the Dickens are and i've never used that statement before in my life, but that's how much it hurts/itches. so much that i had to be forced to describe it with a simile that i don't even understand. this is intense people. 

ever since it was declared that i have OCD, i haven't read a book. i've opened a few. bought tons. read internet summaries about millions. alphabetized them. basically stared at them for an obsessive amount of time without ever reading one. 

but today, i totally did it. i read a book. (not in one sitting) i think it actually took me well over a month to finish it. something pretty much unheard of for my taste. it was seriously like pulling teeth at times. i was uninterested in literature. in words. in reading. 

it's been six months since i read a book. six months. this was a long time coming. 

i just noticed that a part of my computer is breaking off. and it's freaking me out. i really hope that AppleCare will take care of this, because i don't want my lappy to die at such a young age. tragedy. 

"it's just make-believe. it isn't satisfying"

as i sit here, ethos water bottle in hand, soggy hankerchief misplaced downstairs spreading germs like crazy... i can't help but cry out to God in desperation to feel like I belong. to feel accepted, to feel like i have a place, a purpose. to feel the complete opposite of rejected. 

because for the past years, that's how i felt. rejected by relationships, friendships, job opportunities, rejected by rejecting the 'normal' behavior of someone my age in this era. 

sometimes, i just feel like people can't hear me. like somehow, i pressed my own mute button... and for years i've been searching to find it again and i just can't. 

you know when you're at a really low point in life, and you feel like you're crawling on the ground to make it through life, and you just keep gettin' kicked by all your situations? i literally think i've felt like that for years. of course, it was unbenounced OCD (among a plethora of other things)... and now, trying to grasp my bearings is proving to be a much harder task than i ever imagined..... ever. 

remember when disney fed us a bunch of crap about wishing upon a star? yeah, first of all it's a lie. wishing and hoping doesn't bring you all your dreams come true. it doesn't bring healing, it doesn't bring the romance you've been chasing since 11th grade homecoming.... it doesn't bring anything. 

Luckily my Savior does, so my solemn prayer to Him tonight is that He will expand my view of who He is. Because He is so much more than I can ever comprehend. do it Lord, shatter my mind with who You are. 

You are Holy.

What makes a bitter soul? Grumpy-ness? Too much time passing without being in the Word? Lack of being aware of your true purpose? Trying to solve your own problems? Holding grudges? A combination of all of the above? 

I know that there will be days when this life brings me pain, but I'll do whatever it takes to Praise You. 

You might remember me inscribing that verse in my last post. And oh how convicted I feel about that all the time. I truly, deeply, want to feel that. I want to feel completely open and vulnerable to let God use me in any way He can. Sometimes, it just hurts too much and I give up. I hold something to me, try to do something my own way, whine about my circumstances. But the truth is, we only get this one life. 

We only get this one chance to live for Him. We only get this one chance to forgive. We only get this one chance to love, no matter what. We only get this one chance to say we're sorry, when we mess up. 

I hurt a friend's feelings recently. Sometimes, don't you just feel like that is inevitable? I do. Anyways, I know that I hurt her, and I have apologized. But I am still cringing at the thought of how some words that she said about me seem to not stop stinging. As well as the fact that she has not forgiven me. There is only so much I can give to say I'm sorry, without pushing the limits. But here's something to chew on, if Jesus just dropped his friends after they screwed up and He never forgave him (well first of all, then he wouldn't have been our perfect Savior and Salvation) but second of all, he would have had NO disciples. 

Everybody messes up, everybody makes mistakes, but not everyone recognizes them. I recognize mine, but I am still burdened with this waiting time. 

I wish the world was perfect like Walgreens, and everyone said they were sorry and everyone forgave each other. because this life is too short to miss out on anything because of a screw up. 

*** There's this fly that's buzzing around me while i type, and I'm really trying to have a thankful attitude about life and he's acting as a big fat hindrance on that. 

what's a little rain?

I have been really consumed in a blog that one of my sweet friends introduced me to. it's the story of Audrey Caroline, you can find it at this site. it's an amazing story about passion, love, and loss of a child, companion, best friend, 9 month long confidante. its the story of unfairness, of anger, of tears. of reality. i cannot get enough of it. not to mention that she has 'bring the rain' as one of the songs that plays in the background. 

now typically, i scoff at the bloggers who write down lyrics to songs. i don't know, i think it's like below me to have to read something that isn't even their own words. i think people should own their own thoughts, and not 'borrow' them from others. but you know what, i can't help it. i have to write some of the lyrics down. 
 

"Bring The Rain"

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain?

my friends and i recently started to have weekly times to just come together and talk about life. about what's going on, about what's bothering us, about what we struggle with. and it's been... hard. i'm not going to lie. talking about the sometimes harshness of reality, it ain't a pretty thing sometimes. but the presence of God during these times is unbelievable. 

my mom and i had a long conversation about service in the church the other day. i was blowing off a little steam about how i was really hurt and upset that more people didn't want to volunteer in the youth group. so many people are focused on going to church for their 'me - time'. and although, of course that isn't a bad thing. growing and focusing on your walk with Christ is great. But i just wonder where do they give back? how can they not crave to teach those who are sometimes so confused, especially at the most difficult time of their lives. when i was a young youthling, i lived and breathed for the words and inspirations of my mentors in the youth group volunteers. they were the people who taught, or at least attempted to over our talking, me to never give up on the Word of God. 

Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn't take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I've become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn't just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! - 1 corinthians 9:19-23

when i read this, i just want to cry out to the congregation of my church. we are in such need of good examples to lead the youth. we are in desperate need for people to be up there, and showing the youth that they matter, that they have an opinion. the bible isn't too difficult for them. 

when the youth got to have a question and answer time with our prospective new youth pastor, i was really excited when he had an opportunity to teach the youth something that they might not be familiar with. the nitty gritty subject of predestination. now i'm not one to honestly search for an answer, but a student asked him what his belief was about those theories. and i was thoroughly let down in his answer. it was so vanilla. so perfectly not an answer that it sufficed everyone. i wanted him to get into it, i wanted him to crack open a Bible and have students read some scripture. a couple of kids asked what predestination is. my heart ached when i heard them not be familiar with something that i think they are perfectly capable of understanding. and as we all know, the failure to be unfamiliar with our Bible is one thing that really hinders our ability to save the lost. after the session was over, i spoke with the minister. i wanted his real answer, and he gave it to me. and i was thankful for it, but i couldn't help but wonder why he couldn't have said that to the youth. i think teaching them in this 'babyish' way is the reason that they talk during worship or during bible study, and why they are completely silent during discussions. most questions asked can be answered with the answer of 'Jesus' or 'reading your Bible and praying'. but there's so much more... so much depth, so much love, so much of everything that they are missing out on.