a. i bought a sleeping mask to wear to sleep now. firstly, because i frequently fall asleep with a relaxation CD playing on my television and the screen insists on staying blue and bright. and b. because sometimes i like to take naps in the day, and this will just encourage the process. and i'm all about the encouraging.
b. i didn't do any of my therapy assignments this week. shocking? not really. considering the amount of stress, and emotional despair i was/am in, i'd say my therapist should give me a prize just for coming to therapy.
c. remember that one blog i wrote that was so lovey-dovey-i-love-life-and-i-pet-butterflies-and-fly-kites-and-joel..... blah blah blah? i forgot to knock on wood at the end of that.
i do love my life, my opportunities, my choices, and the things that fall into my lap. but what happens when something, better yet... someone is placed in my lap and then decides to run away. what is there to do? i'm helpless. i can't play hide and seek with them, that's just not going to happen. my high school motto was once 'you either get with me, or get over me', yeah don't worry, i never actually had to use it.
but in all seriousness, i honestly think i'm being ridiculous about this. i don't think it's as big a deal as i think it is in my head. a boy likes you, you like him. you like each other. you tell each other. you hold hands. you hold each other. and then it's over. it's not catastrophic. i mean yeah, feelings and emotions were involved, but is it really necessary for me to think that my entire life is crashing down to the ground at full speed right now? no. it's ridiculous.
i don't know how to get off this pity train i'm on. better yet, i can't even figure out when or where i got on it? everything just felt so right. i had a passion. something to look forward to. someone to share my boring ideas and feelings with. someone to feel protected by. someone who made me feel safe. This was something i had never ever experienced before. and it ended up being a cruel joke. like waving a lollipop in front of a two year old and then taking it away. he's decided to be more concerned with the possibilities of future hurt, than the possibilities of a future with me. which of course, to any bright girl would mean, 'hey i don't really think you are worth the sacrifice... see ya!'
maybe i'm overreacting because this is the first time to happen to me, unlike most people who are on track and checked this off the list in like 7th grade.
but what do you do when you really thought it was the real deal? i mean yes, of course Jesus is my foundation. and it is He who i trust. a boy does not define me, but why do i feel so worthless now? isn't the right thing to do, to not be friends afterwords? how can i, we can't be friends?!! i can't drop my feelings and decide to just be friends with him?! i would secretly be trying to woo him with my charm and win him back, and that's just begging for more heartache and annoyance. and i'm trying to cut back.
let's just say the hankie a very sweet confidant of mine gave me has been put too very good use, and i've got the mascara stains to prove it.