captivity

i'm having  a moment of despair. i know that sometimes, it's really easy for you internets to sympathize with me. i explain to you how hard it is to do this or that, and you read, and you understand. but i cannot ever explain to anyone the feeling of needing to rely on someone else to help you do the things that you need to do. 

the emotions involved with becoming a child again are so intricately placed and delicate. it's rare that i honestly run into a problem where i cannot find a resolution quickly. if i need help from someone there is typically always someone from my family, or immediate close friends that are willing and so kind and caring to help me or go with me or do whatever it is that OCD is demanding from me that day. 

But every once and a while i run into a problem. when my sister gets her wisdom teeth out, my dad is out of the country, and my friends are all sporting their latest summer plans. it's hard to know what to do.  but it's easy to feel completely helpless. 

now mind you, the only thing that i need to do is pick up a birthday card for a friend. sure, i could make one, or try to wait and just send it later. but the sheer thought that i am not able to do something i want to do because my BRAIN won't let me, is just really disheartening. 

Jesus, just hold me tight please. 

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