what to do when there's no job or responsibilities?


minus the common family drama, life as me has been sweet and slow. i've really gotten to savor in a lot of moments this past week. and savor sometimes means feel completely bored out of my brainholes, and sometimes means being really thankful for the moment i'm in.


i started my sewing projects this weekend. yes, i finally mastered how to thread the machine, trust me.... mastered doesn't even begin to describe my skill. after a few hours of whining, pin-poking, swear words (not on my part, and under their breath) and head banging i finally got the hang of it. by my second long stitch, i was sewing in a straight line. what can i say, i was made to craft. those who can't do, teach. those who can't teach.... craft. 

i've started my personalized greeting cards portfolio, and i really love working on them. they are so intricately designed and put together, just like the Maker creates each and every one of us. 



so now with two pillows under my belt( complete with zipper closure!!!!! WOAH?), as well as five new cards to the collection, i'm starting to think carpal tunnel might be calling me at an early age. 


derail.

alright alright. let's talk about love people. 

i've come to the determination that 

A.) arranged marriages are intelligent

B.) I could literally love anyone. 

i'm not joking internets. i could love anyone. give me someone, tell me that they are mine and that they love me, and if they do, then its pretty certain i'll love them back. i mean, lets not think that i wouldn't find flaws, because i would. but i honestly could. it's becoming a problem folks. 

it's a very difficult situation, some could view it as a great feature, or a complete handicap. and you know me, i'm gonna go with the handicap for 200 Alec. 

i'm still having a hard time trusting God with his plans for me. I get caught up in so much selfishness all the time. i know and i have to repeat to myself all the time that My God is so much bigger than this. This is what he has always planned for my life. there was no plan B, this is it. and i've seen it. i've seen the joy and the help that i've been able to provide because of my life now, but every now and then i hit a wall. wondering, what is there about this that's helping me? and you know what, i'm not going to lie, as a girl, i think that honestly, the only thing i think will fill this desire to feel like this process had a purpose, is to find love. how crazy i know! i have a void in my heart that was created to be filled with my Savior and yet i'm constantly trying to squeeze in materialistic things and people. 



lovestoned.

sometimes i just don't know what to do. i have hardly any jobs, not to mention any prospects. i feel so handicapped as to the possibilities that could come my way. and emotionally, i just feel drained when i think about it. regardless, i know that i serve a Mighty God. I know that my Lord blesses those who live for Him, and who willingly give to Him. So i know to not be afraid. But it seems to not quite be the remedy for my ailing stomach and aching soul to want to wake up in the morning with a purpose. a mission. a responsibility. 

there's a person who has made a permanent imprint in my heart. I've been praying for years about this. I don't know what to do with him. I don't understand feelings of desire mixed with feelings of genuine care. but everytime i get the chance to converse with him, God always tugs at my heartstrings. So i've permanently decided to take a step and make a change for the best. i'm deciding to do the only thing i can do (well, other than the stay in bed watching chick-flicks and tossing popcorn at the screen whenever happy ending's ensue option, which is of course a NON-option). i'm going to pray for him. i'm going to encourage him and lift him up whenever the chance comes. I'm going to ask how i can pray for him and what i can do for him. Because God doesn't bring people into your life for no reason. God actually doesn't do anything for no reason. 

i'm just not sure where the line stands between genuine care and genuine crush. i don't know if i'll ever know. 

the misadventures of the misunderstood

i really hate the weekends. and i don't know why. that isn't normal. i mean what happened to everybody's workin' for the weekends? to me, weekends mean instability and absolutely no fixed plans. 

when thursday rolls around, i have to formulate in my mind something that i can do over the weekend, a project, make some plans with people, whatever it is. this weeks plan: building a desk. 

i may have deceived you into thinking that i meant from a pile of lumber, no no no. it was definitely out of a box, but full assembly was required. so i woke up this morning at 9 am and did it. i build a desk. which i am now sitting at overlooking my window and feeling very carrie bradshaw-esque. minus all the sex. 

speaking of that subject, my parents door is shut. i made the mistake of thinking that my sister was old enough to humorly mention to her. i was wrong, very wrong. 

on another note of the broad spectrum of things, i am now the proud owner of a sewing machine. as well as lots of fabric and ideas, however, threading the needle is a whole different story. 




i bought 15 yards of fabric today.

Friendship is such a blessing. seriously, sometimes i just don't even understand it. 

today, i went to therapy. i enlightened my doctor on all the things that i have been accomplishing. going into public by myself, and all that fun stuff. she was so happy and supportive. i was so glad. she reprieved one of my 'goals' that she assigned to me like three weeks ago that i have never done. mostly because i think it's stupid, but also because i just really don't ever have the opportunity. she wants to me sit in a parking lot while someone i am with is in a store for 10 minutes. the whole time i am there, i am supposed to record my voice of how i am feeling and all that stuff. then after the process, i am supposed to listen to the tape 10 times a day. 

yeah, um.... really? 

so i was really thankful that she has taken that out of the mix. 

after that i got to see my sweet kayla and help her activate her debit card and find some good clothes for an event she has coming up. i love helping her in even the simplest of ways. she is so precious, and every moment spent with her is always a blessing. when we got home, her AMAZING record player was waiting in a box. it is wonderful. kayla screamed and jumped up and down and we christened every record she owns on the new machine, while dancing around and loving it. 

i also got to visit with my old chum, brianna. oh how i miss her. i think for the first time in my life, i can say that i have gone without seeing one of my dearest friends for over a year. that's insane. i can't even believe it. when we saw each other i immediately said 'do i look any older? any new wrinkles you've never noticed before' and she just laughed. it was so sweet to spend time with her tonight and catch her up on this long journey. 

i also made an appearance at consumed tonight. it was a small group but a big message. we talked about our purpose. since the youth minister at the church i attend is getting ready to take on a new position at our church, he is spending his last few lessons praying over the students and really trying to make an impact. today, he read three chapters out of 1 corinithians and told us that this was the prayer he had for the youth. to live out their purpose, and glorify God in all they do. it was such a great message. i was almost crying because the words that he read off of a photocopied page of the Message were so inspiring. this is my favorite verse: 

"The lines of purpose of your life never grows slack, tightly tied as they are to your future in Heaven."

i wanna scream so hard my eyeballs pop out when i read that. the fact that there is purpose and meaning to my life given to me by the blood of Jesus? that's life shattering. the fact that I matter to God, that He cares about me? the scriptures later go on to say that you are crazy if you don't accept this perfect love. the message even says "You don't walk away from a gift like that!" These words are like candy to me, i cannot get enough.


i loved that he didn't just emphasize to the students that they really need to live up to their purpose in life, and really be avid missionaries. he wanted them to embrace the fact that no matter what, their lives matter. and we all know that between the ages of 13-17, that's sometimes a hard thing to grasp. being caught up in school, and sports, and family, and homework, and trying to figure out the whole rest of your life. it's a tricky time. 

i am so thankful that our church has a passion for the youth. 



i didn't get to read the people magazine in the waiting room today...

today seemed like a day of defeats. 

i lost one of my jobs cleaning a house, because of money issues. 

i wrote many unresponded emails. 

i spent most of my time alone today, while the rest of my family went shopping. 

luckily, i am reminded that through the blood of Jesus Christ, i will never be defeated. and that's a real story to tell. not rambling about the lameness of my day, but the goodness in His grace. And also the awesomeness of my netflix movie arriving in the mail with just enough time for me to cozy into my bed and watch it blaringly loud before anyone arrived home. And the arrival of my Vera Bradley 40% off discontinued travel bag as well. 

i went to the doctor today for my now monthly checkups. since january i have lost 6 pounds. most likely because of the medication. i finally got to see Jennifer again. I haven't seen her in 2 months because the last time i saw the 'real' doctor. the last time jennifer was with me, i had just started driving with someone and was freaking out about it. oh what a praise it was to hear myself telling her about how i can drive to places now and that i was about to embark on a first time journey of meeting someone in a public place. she smiled and laughed with me and hugged me, and looked me straight in the eye without any fear that what she was about to say may not be welcomed in a secular doctor's office. she said 'i can see it more and more, how much God is using this time to affect others. it's awesome Kelly. your face is filled with joy and hopefulness now, instead of despair and loneliness' that was when the hugging embarked. then she began to tell me that there was another patient that just started to see her that had similar conditions as mine. i was jennifer's first OCD patient, so she's really learned a lot with me and my therapist. so she is recommending my therapist for this patient, and i also told jennifer that she had my complete permission to give this patient my name or number if they ever wanted to talk or needed a friend, or someone whose brain also doesn't work the way it seems everyone else's does. 

Then i kick-started the rest of the day with my first public outing, other than friends houses. i met leslie and emelia and brock at a restaurant. only i got there first. took a lot of deep breaths, and went into the restaurant alone. i walked to the greeting station and told them how many were in my party, and they led me to a table where i sat while i waited for my friends. and i survived. 

Glory Jesus, thank you for being with me through this whole process. I would be nothing otherwise. 




for ashley

the traditional pose, in action.
(yes, of course those are kit-kats) 

captivity

i'm having  a moment of despair. i know that sometimes, it's really easy for you internets to sympathize with me. i explain to you how hard it is to do this or that, and you read, and you understand. but i cannot ever explain to anyone the feeling of needing to rely on someone else to help you do the things that you need to do. 

the emotions involved with becoming a child again are so intricately placed and delicate. it's rare that i honestly run into a problem where i cannot find a resolution quickly. if i need help from someone there is typically always someone from my family, or immediate close friends that are willing and so kind and caring to help me or go with me or do whatever it is that OCD is demanding from me that day. 

But every once and a while i run into a problem. when my sister gets her wisdom teeth out, my dad is out of the country, and my friends are all sporting their latest summer plans. it's hard to know what to do.  but it's easy to feel completely helpless. 

now mind you, the only thing that i need to do is pick up a birthday card for a friend. sure, i could make one, or try to wait and just send it later. but the sheer thought that i am not able to do something i want to do because my BRAIN won't let me, is just really disheartening. 

Jesus, just hold me tight please. 
can i just say 

PRAISE THE LORD IT'S FRIDAY... 

i just had to get that out

thankful for Forb Cleanin' Friday!

the average female marrying age is 27, and since i'm so far behind already, that means mine will be 34 years old.

dear internets, let's talk truths here. 

a. i bought a sleeping mask to wear to sleep now. firstly, because i frequently fall asleep with a relaxation CD playing on my television and the screen insists on staying blue and bright. and b. because sometimes i like to take naps in the day, and this will just encourage the process. and i'm all about the encouraging. 

b. i didn't do any of my therapy assignments this week. shocking? not really. considering the amount of stress, and emotional despair i was/am in, i'd say my therapist should give me a prize just for coming to therapy. 

c. remember that one blog i wrote that was so lovey-dovey-i-love-life-and-i-pet-butterflies-and-fly-kites-and-joel..... blah blah blah? i forgot to knock on wood at the end of that. 

i do love my life, my opportunities, my choices, and the things that fall into my lap. but what happens when something, better yet... someone is placed in my lap and then decides to run away. what is there to do? i'm helpless. i can't play hide and seek with them, that's just not going to happen. my high school motto was once 'you either get with me, or get over me', yeah don't worry, i never actually had to use it. 

but in all seriousness, i honestly think i'm being ridiculous about this. i don't think it's as big a deal as i think it is in my head. a boy likes you, you like him. you like each other. you tell each other. you hold hands. you hold each other. and then it's over. it's not catastrophic. i mean yeah, feelings and emotions were involved, but is it really necessary for me to think that my entire life is crashing down to the ground at full speed right now? no. it's ridiculous. 

i don't know how to get off this pity train i'm on. better yet, i can't even figure out when or where i got on it? everything just felt so right. i had a passion. something to look forward to. someone to share my boring ideas and feelings with. someone to feel protected by. someone who made me feel safe. This was something i had never ever experienced before. and it ended up being a cruel joke. like waving a lollipop in front of a two year old and then taking it away. he's decided to be more concerned with the possibilities of future hurt, than the possibilities of a future with me. which of course, to any bright girl would mean, 'hey i don't really think you are worth the sacrifice... see ya!' 

maybe i'm overreacting because this is the first time to happen to me, unlike most people who are on track and checked this off the list in like 7th grade

but what do you do when you really thought it was the real deal? i mean yes, of course Jesus is my foundation. and it is He who i trust. a boy does not define me, but why do i feel so worthless now? isn't the right thing to do, to not be friends afterwords? how can i, we can't be friends?!! i can't drop my feelings and decide to just be friends with him?! i would secretly be trying to woo him with my charm and win him back, and that's just begging for more heartache and annoyance. and i'm trying to cut back. 

let's just say the hankie a very sweet confidant of mine gave me has been put too very good use, and i've got the mascara stains to prove it. 

I'm a dreamer, a distant dreamer, dreaming for hope, from today.

today was a day full of dreams. luckily mostly good ones. i was with my precious friend kayla pretending that we lived in the 50's with our squeaky clean white tennis shoes and skirts and red lipstick getting ready to go to the hop holding hankerchiefs, when i started talking about books. i had a dream that i plan to put to full action. if my dreams of becoming a librarian aren't truly what the Lord has for me, then i can at least have my own personal library, right? no MLS required. A room full of books from floor to ceiling, with a ladder of course and organized by subject and author. then i fully intend on putting the old-school library cards on the back of every book in which any person that takes a book from my library will sign. if i can't spread the joy of reading to the world, i might as well spread it to my closest friends and relatives right?  

why is sympathy and understanding so hard sometimes? i don't really understand that. for example, if someone needs some time to think about something or just time away, why can't one be willing to give that person that request? am i the only one who is like this? i understand because i know when i need time away from things, trust me, my little friend OCD tests that all the time. so why can't i have a stronger grasp on being completely willing to be giving of my time for someone else to take time about things. is it because of our society? i think that is a lot of people's excuse, but honestly i don't think it is. it's a personal decision. understanding is something that is important and i don't think it's used enough. it's easy to be understanding if someone let's say, is all of the sudden wheelchair bound, but what if they have a deadline to meet and you have no idea how to help them because you don't know what they are doing. perfect opportunity to be understanding but it's probably going to go to waste because you are too busy online shopping for laptop cases to look up from your computer and help them. it's crazy. i know, i live it. 

understanding doesn't just take time or big effort or anything ridiculous. it really just takes willingness to be unselfish. and that seems to be such a rare commodity today. 

also, it cracks me up that we have such understanding for certain ages. like small infants, toddlers, and even senior adults who need frequent assistance. but what stops us from caring more about the in between ages. do we think they can just handle things on their own because they are capable. because as a very famous book says in 1 Corinthians 12:

 12-13You can easily enough see how this kind of thing works by looking no further than your own body. Your body has many parts—limbs, organs, cells—but no matter how many parts you can name, you're still one body. It's exactly the same with Christ. By means of his one Spirit, we all said good-bye to our partial and piecemeal lives. We each used to independently call our own shots, but then we entered into a large and integrated life in which he has the final say in everything. Each of us is now a part of his resurrection body, refreshed and sustained at one fountain—his Spirit—where we all come to drink. The old labels we once used to identify ourselves—labels like Jew or Greek, slave or free—are no longer useful. We need something larger, more comprehensive.

 14-18I want you to think about how all this makes you more significant, not less. A body isn't just a single part blown up into something huge. It's all the different-but-similar parts arranged and functioning together. If Foot said, "I'm not elegant like Hand, embellished with rings; I guess I don't belong to this body," would that make it so? If Ear said, "I'm not beautiful like Eye, limpid and expressive; I don't deserve a place on the head," would you want to remove it from the body? If the body was all eye, how could it hear? If all ear, how could it smell? As it is, we see that God has carefully placed each part of the body right where he wanted it.

 19-24But I also want you to think about how this keeps your significance from getting blown up into self-importance. For no matter how significant you are, it is only because of what you are a part of. An enormous eye or a gigantic hand wouldn't be a body, but a monster. What we have is one body with many parts, each its proper size and in its proper place. No part is important on its own. Can you imagine Eye telling Hand, "Get lost; I don't need you"? Or, Head telling Foot, "You're fired; your job has been phased out"? 

 25-26The way God designed our bodies is a model for understanding our lives together: every part dependent on every other part, the parts we mention and the parts we don't, the parts we see and the parts we don't. If one part hurts, every other part is involved in the hurt, and in the healing. If one part flourishes, every other part enters into the exuberance.

to me this says everything i think. isn't it amazing when you have all these completely random thoughts, and you think to yourself, what the heck am i thinking? why am i such a freak. and then you open up this Book, and realize 'oh wow, this is actually something important and i actually can't take credit for it'. 

it's important to care for one another, and show that care and concern. it's important to understand with them. to grieve with them, to work with them. For as the greatest Teacher of all explained, we were formed to work together, as one. And miscommunication, or lack of concern, or whatever your poison is, it's only getting in the way. 

this soapbox thing is a lot more cushy and comfortable than i remembered. 

and so it goes

"So I would choose to be with you, that's if the choice were mine to make. 
But you can make decisions too, so you can have this heart to break."

i don't think i've ever had my heart broken. also i think it's weird that we as a society refer to emotional and romantic disturbia as 'heartache'. i like to just say my brainholes hurt. because i think brainholes are the innermost parts of ones emotions, cognitively controlled of course. i am a child of the cognitive behavior revolution, don't you forget. 

but what happens when your brainholes fill with tears of remorse and sadness when you're spending the night with little 7th grade Emelia and you're snuggled in bed together? crying really isn't an option, it's awkward, laughing it off worked for a second but not much longer. there's no room for explanation. so all that's really left is just hugs and smiles and jokes from her. she was really there for me. never have i experienced such companionship from an 11 year old. she even helped me decide to have my family, yes, the entire car load of them, come pick me up from her house late that night, after the rest of her family had been sound asleep for hours. of course as we were walking out the door i remember i had forgotten to move a  load of laundry. she was so snotty and quirky when she put her hand on her hip and said 'now is this really the time for laundry?'

then my family laid on my bed with me, all of us and listened to music. then it became 400 degrees and no one could stand it anymore. i went to sleep with a eye mask on and a relaxation CD. it was very interesting. it went through all the muscle relaxation business at the beginning and it really worked well. i woke up later with the eye mask strewn somewhere on the floor so obviously i wasn't too relaxed. but it was all for a good cause. 

what a whirlwind of a life i have. luckily a trip to see some long lost friends, a pair of $165 jeans and a very large diet dr. pepper can sometimes do the fix. at least for the moment. 

blues.

it's amazing what the mixture of dust and heartache can do to a person. i feel like i'm dying. it's s'wonderful. ha. 

i just finished cleaning my youth minister's house as a surprise for his wife. it was really hard work. i was only supposed to clean downstairs and the kids rooms, but i snuck into the master bath and cleaned that too. i promise you that that bathroom had never been cleaned. i think i used a total of 50 clorox wipes just on the vanity. john walked in there after i had cleaned it and was shocked. i loved it. 

right now my mom and him are painting the kitchen yellow. it's very cheery, which is very opposite of what i'm feeling right now. i'm having one of those days in which i want to slip on my nightie and slide under my covers and sleep for the entire rest of the night. but i'm trying to not succumb to the wants of my inner depression. i'm going to try to do something, something important and good. something that will make me feel better, i just don't know what. 

i also wish my dad didn't have to travel so much for business sometimes. i miss him. 


summer's simple pleasures.

i love watching kids eat. it's just so funny. brock is sitting on the love-seat right nows, scraping cookie dough off the pre-cut cookie dough packaging with his little fingers and smacking away with delight. 

we just finished swimming outside, it was brock's last day of school today and we wanted to celebrate so we let him choose lunch, and then he decided to swim outside so we could make use of his new basketball poolside thing. i schooled him in basketball. it was awesome. 

wall-e, that new pixar movie apparently has this little baby robot in it that is obsessed with cleaning and just goes around cleaning and looking for unknown substances. if i were a robot i would be him/her/it. 

my mom's car went into the shop. Just when i start to learn how to drive by myself again, my car becomes my mom's and i am vehicle-less. i have had to rely on everyone else for so long, that i was very excited to not have to rely on anyone now, but apparently my patience is still being tested. i hate waiting for people, and would much rather be on my own, but it's all a learning experience. 

Thursday I am cleaning out someone's ENTIRE house, as a surprise for their wife. i cannot tell you how excited i am about doing this. i get to put everything where i want to put it and clean things and throw trash away! maximize space, minimize clutter. what could be better? plus its a surprise, i love it! He is being very thoughtful of his precious wife.

i can't believe today marks the first day of summer, its unbelievable that my semester off has come to an end already. some parts when painstakingly slow and others seemed to zoom by. i'm amazed. i feel so blessed to have had this time. i think everyone should be rewarded with a little 'me' time. seriously. take time off. do things for yourself. go to therapy. dig into your inner thoughts and emotions, and be honest. it's wonderful. just don't get chlorine in your eye along the way because it stings like nobody's business.