however, a string of good events lead up to it, so i was a little suspicious about how it would all pan out. this morning, i was talking to my mom about how things are really stressful right now about scheduling, and about trying to be such a good friend to everyone, and feeling taken advantage of, when i feel like i am the one most in need (totally different story).
so while i was telling her this she starts out on a rampage about all the things we can move around and change for scheduling conflict purposes, and frankly just the sound of her voice mixed with the subject matter was enough to make me cry. i calmly told her that i just really didn't want to talk about it, because talking about it wouldn't really solve anything.
but instead of stopping, she just kept going on. and i sighed a large sigh, and then just started walking upstairs carrying freshly laundered clothes, and saying, 'i wish you would just hear me sometimes'.
the following is not a joke:
so a few minutes later, my mom walks halfway up the stairs and sees me in the hallway, she says 'so, i'm really sorry about that. if you need some advice or help scheduling you can ask me and i'll try to help.' and i smiled and held back tears and said 'okay, i will.' and she walked back down the stairs and the called out to her and said 'hey mom, i love you'. and she said 'i love you too.'
WHAT?!?! it was so... surreal. i felt like at any second she was going to rip around and shout april fools at me and then tell me how wrong i was. but she didn't. she was genuine. i was beside myself.
so today at therapy, i was still a little nervous. i knew there were things that were going to come up that we wouldn't agree about. so we walked in and sat down and i noticed that mollie was drinking a snapple. and that just made me happy. i mean, what's not to like about someone who drinks snapple? nothing. so i felt a little more reassured.
then i told my 'version' of the story of the past weeks, making sure to highlight my mom's incredible progress. then my mom told her version, which was of course different from mine, and she cried a lot. and then we got our 'therapy' portion. mollie told my mom that she basically needed to start acting like an adult and treating me like one too. because i am in a constant struggle with trying to grow into my adulthood and it's like my family is pushing me down, and hindering my ability to grow older. so now we are supposed to talk in an adult way. she said that a lot. and we are supposed to say exactly what we think, i am fairly positive i do that already.
she also took some time explaining each of us to the other. how my mom is a 'fixer' she wants to always be involved and fixing things and in control and she's very much a list maker, and an in charge person. she sees things in black and white. then mollie said that i am basically 180 degrees different from that. i see things in emotions. i talk about how i feel or how things make me feel. i don't want to try to figure out a solution or an equation i want to talk about the heart of the matter. i think theoretically and incredibly intelligently. there is no black or white to me, there are multiple colors and layers. and honestly, i had never thought about that ever. i think i've just grown up all my life hearing people comment at how alike my mother and i are, that i had never taken the time to stop and see how different we are. truly. so now we are supposed to take one another's feelings in account. which i know will be hard, because we both think that our own personality is the 'right one'. i think we should look at things by how they make us feel and i think that's the right way, i think everyone has a completely different opinion about lots of things and it deserves to be validated. my mom tends to think that there is just one way to go about things.... and i don't know how i am going to think the way she does as to help our conversation and relationship, but i guess i'll try. i'm secretly just hoping that she starts to feel things from a more emotional level. she already apologized to me, so that's a great start.
mollie also told my mom that in no way, is she allowed to try to find my new blog, or read it. no matter what. and i was glad she said that too. because it was true, the only reason that she was so upset, was because of the way i was expressing myself via previous blog. not because of anything i actually did.
let's hope things get better from this point. mollie was really impressed and at the end she told me that i had done an excellent job being adult throughout the time. i wanted to say something along the lines of 'yeah, well i've sorta always been.' but i just kept that to myself.
note: radio stations are really annoying late at night.
teenage drama is something no one should have to experience.
i'm starting to think differently. i don't know how that is going to work out. i'll write about that next.