i'm getting worse at this blogging thing? is that possible?

i cannot explain in words how much my heart is overflowing with joy and thankfulness at this moment. 

it seems that slowly but surely my life has begun to reappear. 

one of the biggest problems with OCD is that it becomes your life. you become OCD instead of yourself. you may remember the times, not so long ago, when all i longed to do was stay in my bed after awaking with the fact that being alive was a constant reminder of being OCD. those days have been few and far between recently. my therapist yesterday congratulated me on being able to separate my OCD-ness from myself. pinpointing moments of OCD, and labeling them 'well that's just my OCD talking'. it's a nice feeling. 

now, not to cause a damper on that whole heavenly paragraph, but these OCD events are still happening. i live in a world where my independent self, feels trapped in a codependent relationship with OCD, it's like a tapeworm, only not quite as gross. 

i was the kind of person who wanted to do things on her own. go places on her own, be by herself. i didn't need the help of anyone else. i like to refer to myself back then as 'Indiana Me'. But now, i find myself needing to be surrounded by people, partially because of my ever so lovely condition, and partially because it's a new way of life that i'm acclimated to. 

my therapist and i talked about these sorts of inner issues. i always try to explain to her how easy it is that whenever the teenie tiniest thing happens to make me sad or hurt my feelings, that its like a constant helium tank to the OCD balloon, inflating it to no end. it discourages me and depresses me. so she made me this little piece of paper that has all of the things that i have been able to achieve since i started therapy. unfortunately she forgot to put 'you became more awesome' at the end but i do think that it is just overall implied. 

so, my job is to read this list whenever i'm feeling weary or alone, so if you see me in the grocery store ramming my cart into aisles and product stands, it's probably because i'm trying to steer a cart, put up with my mom, be in a busy environment, and read a small list of meticulously thought out things written in therapy language to calm myself down. you might just want to offer a bit of assistance, you know... maybe redirect the cart, or better yet take me out of the equation and buy me something? that tends to do the trick.  

No comments:

Post a Comment