marathons? Zoey, you know what i'm talking about.

everything used to be a competition to me, how fast i could finish college, how long i could go without drinking soda, how long i could go before my first kiss, how fast i could drive to get somewhere.... the list goes on. 

it was important to me to succeed in all that i do, and it still is important to me, but now.... the downfalls are too. I know it seems crazy, but that is where we discover who we really are, yeah... it's painstaking, and annoying, and crazy, and downright unbearable... but i believe that if you can push through it... it's more than worth it in the end. 

i've driven by myself now. 3 times. it's amazing. i never thought i was ever going to be able to say that ever again. seriously, i had little if any faith in normality restoration to my life. but slowly and surely i can see the pieces of my life forming back together again, but this time... in a different way... with a different purpose. nothing is a competition. life takes time, and so do activities. college is an experience. soda is good every now and then. driving slow is worth it for the music and the conversation, and kissing.... well i'm not the kind of girl to kiss and tell. 

i'm happy for myself, but most of all i'm happy for my life! (and my family because i've heard them through these thin walls praising the Lord for glimpses of seeing me not needing to depend on them for my every move). i'm excited about what the future might be, for the first time in my life. whether nannying for a precious little one, or schooling it up internet style, or even Joel. all these things are so different from my former life. and i am so thankful. 

also for my friends who have been so dedicated, and the new friends i've found along this journey. i couldn't live without monday's with emily, tuesday occasional dinners with the Lynch's, Wednesday therapy with Dr. Laura, Thursday's with Ashley and Zoe-ster, and Forby Friday's. I am so in love with my life, and so in love with the people filling it. 

EDIT: everyone can stop asking about me kissing someone. it was just for dramatic affect, okay people?!  can't a girl dream?

babysitting babylon.

how many hours of disney channel is acceptable? and does it burn your brain if you watch for too long, i mean... colors and shapes are stimulating for the brain correct? or is that only for infants?

brock's got ringworm. i feel bad for him, because i know it's annoying, so here i am testing myself for the first time. i had to arrive here at 7 am this morning, oh... you may be wondering where leslie his madre is, and NO she didn't get the heck out of dodge, though i'm sure she wanted to... especially since it's finals time! she's in oklahoma. so michael called me out of desperation for someone to take care of this little sickly full of energy baby Brock, and so that is what has brought me here. anyways, 7 am i drove here. THATS RIGHT FOLKS, drove here. now, my mother was following behind me, but i drove by myself, here!!!!!! no one was in the car. then brock and i decided that we were probably going to need some doughnuts and kolaches for breakfast so I DROVE BROCK THERE and then we came home. 

then disaster began to strike, in the form of a clogged toilet. thank the lord for plungers, washing machines, and showers. 

then Brock and i had a wii tournament, and i won! we bowled. he was a little discouraged, but her really is a good sport. then we ordered lunch and ate, and then i started my cleaning, upstairs organizing the shelves and movies, downstairs vacuuming, and mostly laundry. 

now, i've cleared out the furniture in the family room and brock has created a little football arena for himself. it's cute. 

there have been some struggles already, but i know i can do this. for example, when the pool guy was here, the delivery boy, the lawn care people. i'm just trying to deal. 

and soon, it will be time to pick Em up and be happy that it is Friday! because i know i sure am! 

i'm getting worse at this blogging thing? is that possible?

i cannot explain in words how much my heart is overflowing with joy and thankfulness at this moment. 

it seems that slowly but surely my life has begun to reappear. 

one of the biggest problems with OCD is that it becomes your life. you become OCD instead of yourself. you may remember the times, not so long ago, when all i longed to do was stay in my bed after awaking with the fact that being alive was a constant reminder of being OCD. those days have been few and far between recently. my therapist yesterday congratulated me on being able to separate my OCD-ness from myself. pinpointing moments of OCD, and labeling them 'well that's just my OCD talking'. it's a nice feeling. 

now, not to cause a damper on that whole heavenly paragraph, but these OCD events are still happening. i live in a world where my independent self, feels trapped in a codependent relationship with OCD, it's like a tapeworm, only not quite as gross. 

i was the kind of person who wanted to do things on her own. go places on her own, be by herself. i didn't need the help of anyone else. i like to refer to myself back then as 'Indiana Me'. But now, i find myself needing to be surrounded by people, partially because of my ever so lovely condition, and partially because it's a new way of life that i'm acclimated to. 

my therapist and i talked about these sorts of inner issues. i always try to explain to her how easy it is that whenever the teenie tiniest thing happens to make me sad or hurt my feelings, that its like a constant helium tank to the OCD balloon, inflating it to no end. it discourages me and depresses me. so she made me this little piece of paper that has all of the things that i have been able to achieve since i started therapy. unfortunately she forgot to put 'you became more awesome' at the end but i do think that it is just overall implied. 

so, my job is to read this list whenever i'm feeling weary or alone, so if you see me in the grocery store ramming my cart into aisles and product stands, it's probably because i'm trying to steer a cart, put up with my mom, be in a busy environment, and read a small list of meticulously thought out things written in therapy language to calm myself down. you might just want to offer a bit of assistance, you know... maybe redirect the cart, or better yet take me out of the equation and buy me something? that tends to do the trick.  

loving sleepovers on a schoolnight.

as i sit in the oversized cozy chair in Leslie's house, i can't help but contemplate my life. this chair always does this to me. it's something about the way the sun shines on it at dusk, it's positioning in the family room, the gentle hum of the washing machine, the atmosphere of sweet children racing around the room, and the sounds of all their voices create some kind of sweet melody in my ear that helps me to embrace any circumstance. 

i read an article in this family life magazine that i was reading today... well... first let's talk about the magazine. why do i have it? i have no idea. i was walking through the church hallway and stopped to stare into the library, feeling sorrowful as if my aspirations to inspire children all around the continental US to love to read have slowly but surely been trampled on by OCD, i saw this magazine rack with free magazines for families (at least i'm hoping free..... ) so i took one. just because. who knows really. so today, while i was gathering stuff to tote along with me to matthew's house to give me something to do while their mammoth sized 'washer and dryer' take hours to do their oversimplified jobs, i grabbed the magazine. after i had cleaned matt's room to a sparkly finish, i plopped down on the sofa and picked it up. there was this article in it about thinking. the man who wrote it talked about all the different ways he thought throughout his lifetime. how he spent his teenage years not thinking about anything, his twenties and college years thinking he knew everything and his parents knew nothing, thinking in his thirties about the future and that his parents did know a thing or two, and now in his forties thinking about things that really matter. contemplating on his existence and the difference that his life can make. the impact he can have. the time he spends doing things. it's very theoretical. the way he thinks now, is really similar to the way my therapist describes me. so i am now a 40 year old. or at least i have the mind of one. and just now, at this moment, sitting in this chair, i've decided i'm okay with that. 

at least, as long as that means that when i'm forty i don't have the mind of an 80 year old. 


mother daughter therapy. that doesn't even sound appealing. 

however, a string of good events lead up to it, so i was a little suspicious about how it would all pan out. this morning, i was talking to my mom about how things are really stressful right now about scheduling, and about trying to be such a good friend to everyone, and feeling taken advantage of, when i feel like i am the one most in need (totally different story). 

so while i was telling her this she starts out on a rampage about all the things we can move around and change for scheduling conflict purposes, and frankly just the sound of her voice mixed with the subject matter was enough to make me cry. i calmly told her that i just really didn't want to talk about it, because talking about it wouldn't really solve anything. 

but instead of stopping, she just kept going on. and i sighed a large sigh, and then just started walking upstairs carrying freshly laundered clothes, and saying, 'i wish you would just hear me sometimes'. 
the following is not a joke:
so a few minutes later, my mom walks halfway up the stairs and sees me in the hallway, she says 'so, i'm really sorry about that. if you need some advice or help scheduling you can ask me and i'll try to help.' and i smiled and held back tears and said 'okay, i will.' and she walked back down the stairs and the called out to her and said 'hey mom, i love you'. and she said 'i love you too.'

WHAT?!?! it was so... surreal. i felt like at any second she was going to rip around and shout april fools at me and then tell me how wrong i was. but she didn't. she was genuine. i was beside myself. 

so today at therapy, i was still a little nervous. i knew there were things that were going to come up that we wouldn't agree about. so we walked in and sat down and i noticed that mollie was drinking a snapple. and that just made me happy. i mean, what's not to like about someone who drinks snapple? nothing. so i felt a little more reassured. 

then i told my 'version' of the story of the past weeks, making sure to highlight my mom's incredible progress. then my mom told her version, which was of course different from mine, and she cried a lot. and then we got our 'therapy' portion. mollie told my mom that she basically needed to start acting like an adult and treating me like one too. because i am in a constant struggle with trying to grow into my adulthood and it's like my family is pushing me down, and hindering my ability to grow older. so now we are supposed to talk in an adult way. she said that a lot. and we are supposed to say exactly what we think, i am fairly positive i do that already. 

she also took some time explaining each of us to the other. how my mom is a 'fixer' she wants to always be involved and fixing things and in control and she's very much a list maker, and an in charge person. she sees things in black and white. then mollie said that i am basically 180 degrees different from that. i see things in emotions. i talk about how i feel or how things make me feel. i don't want to try to figure out a solution or an equation i want to talk about the heart of the matter. i think theoretically and incredibly intelligently. there is no black or white to me, there are multiple colors and layers. and honestly, i had never thought about that ever. i think i've just grown up all my life hearing people comment at how alike my mother and i are, that i had never taken the time to stop and see how different we are. truly. so now we are supposed to take one another's feelings in account. which i know will be hard, because we both think that our own personality is the 'right one'. i think we should look at things by how they make us feel and i think that's the right way, i think everyone has a completely different opinion about lots of things and it deserves to be validated. my mom tends to think that there is just one way to go about things.... and i don't know how i am going to think the way she does as to help our conversation and relationship, but i guess i'll try. i'm secretly just hoping that she starts to feel things from a more emotional level. she already apologized to me, so that's a great start. 

mollie also told my mom that in no way, is she allowed to try to find my new blog, or read it. no matter what. and i was glad she said that too. because it was true, the only reason that she was so upset, was because of the way i was expressing myself via previous blog. not because of anything i actually did. 

let's hope things get better from this point. mollie was really impressed and at the end she told me that i had done an excellent job being adult throughout the time. i wanted to say something along the lines of 'yeah, well i've sorta always been.' but i just kept that to myself. 

note: radio stations are really annoying late at night. 
teenage drama is something no one should have to experience. 

i'm starting to think differently. i don't know how that is going to work out. i'll write about that next. 

wrap your world around me.

it's been amazing. my relationship with my mom since stopping the old blog has miraculously taken a 180 degree turn. it's mystifying me. 

we even went to lunch yesterday with one of my mom's friends. at first it was a nightmare i mean just look at this:

yeah, a packed la madeleine's just isn't great company for an OCDer. I had to sit at a very dirty table, not to mention by myself! as if the dirt and grime weren't enough, and the crumbs and such couldn't even actually be my company, so they literally served no purpose. anyways, my mother's friend was having a meltdown while she was there. it was hysterical, to me at least. she was experiencing drama with her husband's parents, and talking about how her husband's brother doesn't ever do anything, but he is the favorite. and i said "yeah, i will be him." and my mom said, "yeah but he is the favorite." and then i was like, "okay, then i guess i'm not him. thanks a lot mom." and she laughed and then her friendling said "well there always has to be one pain in the ass child" and my mom said "oh that can be you!" and i just sat there stunned. and then my mom realized what she said and felt bad, but i was actually laughing because it's true. and i love it. and also my mom alluded to profanity so that made it all worth it. 

this week my therapist assigned me to stand in my front yard for 5 minutes alone. See, I'm very confused about this because i thought that she was supposed to be turning me into a normal person, and i just don't even feel like normal people do that. Also, last week she asked me if i had a tape player, and like i moron i just nodded, so she gave me this relaxation tape to do everyday, UH HELLO!?? i don't have a tape player. so i don't know how i'm gonna fake that one? the only option i have is to listen to the tape while reclined in my dad's car, and i think that's pretty much the oxymoron of relaxation. 

also, my family therapist has finally decided to not be out of town anymore, i swear this woman takes more 'vacations' than anyone i've ever met. this time though, it's just mother-daughter therapy. monday, at 1:30. i'm very concerned about that. i didn't agree to that, my mom just told me randomly yesterday about it. i'm definitely gonna pull out the 'pain in the ass' comment, it's just to good to pass up.

last night we went to a concert, my sister really wanted to go and so then my parents were all feeling their inner middle school selves come out again, so they bought all of us tickets. i promise you, i'm not kidding, we're talking totally rocker-screamer concert. it was a nightmare, but the final act was actually not that bad. Four very long hours of me literally covering my ears, i have sensitive ears, don't judge, and whining about the situation. not to mention about 1000 other middle schoolers trolloping around and running into me, and freaking my OCD out every second. and the family tried to be really supportive of me, but after 2 hours of 'taking care of me' i know it gets old. 

then this was the little cherry on top of the night last night, we get the mail at midnight, oh you know, completely normal for us crazy night-lifers, and guess what comes in the mail... a jury duty summons for me. ME!?!?! that would only happen to me months after i withdraw from school. so, here's what i get to do, you ready... i get to declare mental instability. oh yeah, in case enough people weren't aware, i need to make sure the government and president and all three branches of government are also aware of my instability. and i have to have my therapist/doctor send in letters confirming that i am truly mentally unstable and unsuitable to cooperate in a jury.

life is precious.  

i know, i know, this is crazy. but i have OCD, that's always a good excuse, right?


you've successfully located my new blog. i'm super proud of you, really. 

here was the problem, for all to now know. my mom was reading my blog. we had to go to therapy sessions about it because she was convinced that i really hated her. i don't hate her, i just need a place where i can vent and tell my friends what's going on. that's the story here. so, during family therapy she promised me and the therapist that she would no longer read my blog, because she was taking things too personally and consistently calling me a liar about my view of the way things happen. well folks, this is my blog. i get to write in it, and i get to tell you how it feels to have a disorder. that's what this is for, so that's what i use it for. unfortunately, when she said she would no longer read it, she was lying. she still reads it everyday, i think she might even be my most dedicated reader? not kidding. so the only way to stop the problem, was to create a new one.

i really really really, didn't want to have to create a new blog, ha can't you tell? it's pretty identical to the old one. so i've kept everything the same (for all of us who hate having to learn the reigns of new things) and at the top right up there is a link to my old blog. the first 50 posts, i'm going to try to stick with this blog, unless i get some crazy idea to make a new blog every 50 posts, Lord please help us. 

Anyways, this new blog will now hopefully end the problem of her reading and holding things against me. the blog was never intended for her to read, but apparently she can't keep her little eyes away from it. and honestly, i can't blame her.... well not because i'm such a class-A writer, but because she's interested in what i have to say and is too curious to be able to back away. either a curse or a blessing, some could argue. 

So welcome welcome welcome, to the new land of recovery! i promised you guys in my 49th post that i had something pretty snazzy up my sleeve and i still do! so just sit back, relax, praise God that you don't have OCD, and live my life with me!