disaster's in the air

Its been a while friends. 

But I'm here, coming to you with the same heavy burdened heart, only this time, I'm singing a different tune. 

Over the past months, I have been continually and faithfully blessed (by none other than Jesus Christ) to lead a life somewhat free from the bondage of OCD. And though my blog is titled ADIOS OCD... that's really unlikely. 

I mean, let's just chalk this out okay? OCD isn't curable. It doesn't disappear. It's basically impossible. However, All things are possible through Him. So, in essence, I know that through Him I can say Adios, thinking the negative thoughts against that idea would just be stupid. Hence, the title of this blog. 

I think I was taking these past months for granted. Apparently, I should read through my past blogs nightly so that I can remember. But over the holidays, it hit me like a ton of bricks. 

I don't know if it was the stress, or the too-longly-extended 'vacation', or the combination of 13 people in one house, plus 3 dogs, and the sheer thought of being taken away from my nanny kids and responsibilities for so long... but IT came back again. 

You remember IT, right? 

The sleepless nights of pondering and worrying about things that don't matter at all. The need to ask incessant questions about random people seen throughout the day. The fears. All of them, slowly creeping their slimy little hands back into my life. 

I watched it happen. I pinpointed each movement that IT made. I told my family. Each time something happened to bother me, I shared it. A typical therapy trick I learned. And paid for, in full. $$$$ = therapy. 

So this time, I come with a heavy heart to you all. My known and unknown friends. Readers. Supporters. Or random accidentally google-ists. 

I ask you simply to join me in prayer. Not just for myself, but for the appreciation and belief of miracles to return to this world. Because they happen, I know they do. 

So tonight, or tomorrow, heck while you're even in the restroom (I'm not picky!) please pray. Pray for me. Pray for all people struck with disorders with no earthly cure. 

I'm very nervous about each day that comes. I have a life again, and a job, and people who depend on me, and I found happiness again. I am ready and willing to let God take it all away if that's His plan... (again... remember last time?) because each time he continually blesses me with more than I could imagine, even with a disorder. But, the scary anxiety driven thoughts and worries just can't stay. I won't have it. I can't worry about my future because of my present. That just doesn't make sense. I don't want to worry about the fact that I do have OCD, and I feel so selfish about it, that I am too concerned about myself, and my fears to help someone else. That I am too self concerned that having a family at all during my lifespan is just out of the question. How can I care for a family, if I can barely take care of myself? And nonetheless, it isn't rational to expect a big strong man to be completely selfless while i sit on the couch being selfish? That's pretty much never gonna happen. So here I find myself, freaking out because I'm freaking out, and it's like a snowballed domino effect. It's worse than just the domino or the snowball effect... its both... combined. If that's not enough to make you run and hide, I don't know what is!

So pray pray pray. 

And as the tears fall on my keyboard, I mutter the words out loud, how lucky I am in so many other aspects, and how grateful I am for you. 

Que Paso

Here's something I'm having a hard time with. What does it mean to 'delight yourselves in the Lord'? 

Really, is it different for everyone? Because I feel like it must be. Now I normally figure this verse to mean in every way to thank Him, The Creator, for all he has strung together and given you. To rejoice in Him even during the struggles. And to do all you do in His name. 

Now, realistically, we've got to be joking if we think we can lead this kind of perfection life. Don't get me wrong, I totally think we should strive for it, and to be like Jesus, but we are human, and perfection is impossible. 

So the next part of the verse... 'and he will give you the desires of your heart...' that's the real stomach turner. 

Now first and foremost, we all know that he gives us those desires when they align with His plan, when we are intelligent enough to align our thoughts and hopes with His. That said....

Don't people get the desires of their hearts even when they aren't delighting in the Lord? That's what gets me. 

It's like I struggle with the fact that this verse is true. For some reason I've got to find a loophole in it.. but why? Why can't I just delight myself in the Lord... Because sometimes it's gosh darn hard. I want to, and it would be wonderful, but frequently I'm to selfish to think about doing something God's way in order to be rewarded with a future blessed by God Himself. 

But I desperately want that future. I want the desires of my heart, and I don't think God gives you a desire that he won't in some way fulfill. I want to give everything to Him, because He gave everything for me. 

Skippyjon Jones is a naughty kitty boy

I'm officially on vacation until January 5. I'm a pretty lucky nanny to get off for that long, but that's what happens when you're awesome. Actually, that's a lie, that's what happens when your work schedule revolves around the school system. 

Unfortunately, I'm really uneasy about the break. First of all, what the heck am I going to do? I don't really know how to function when I'm not taking care of other people for a living. Or when I'm not covered in spit up. When my hands won't constantly smell like a mixture of baby powder and graham crackers. When I'm not busy prying the tightest grip imaginable by little hands off of a chunk of my hair. When I'm not talking in a high pitched voice only to realize I'm talking to an adult, not a baby. Ok, well that last one actually happens consistently whether i'm nannying or not, all the other ones do happen during work hours only. 

However, I will enjoy my break from:

-having to open the diaper pail, and then trying to not breath for like 2 minutes or otherwise dying from toxicity. 
-waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to drop Pancho off at school. 
- sitting down on the couch only to hear Zoey scream from her crib 2 seconds later 
- Having to tote Diet Coke everywhere I go. 
- pacifying two boys who always disagree. 
- not hearing the earth shattering sounds of XBOX 360
- not having to listen to conversations about 'how totally freakin' awesome the graphics are on the new Gears of War' blah blah blah
- being asked consistently 'if you had to pick between your car and your phone, which would you pick?'; 'what's your favorite ornament on our tree?'; and 'what's the meanest thing you've ever done?'.... i mean really, who asks these kinds of questions? 
- trying to figure out what's making Zoey scream at the top of her lungs. 
- telling Zoey I don't believe her fake cry
- Looking up 'LazyTown' biographical information in my spare time... WHO DOES THIS??
- Watching Icelandic kids programs... oh wait.. I actually might miss that seeing as how I devote a majority of my spare time looking up biographical information concerning it. 
- Having to sit in two different pick up lines 20 minutes apart and banging my head on the steering wheel. 
-Being told that I work for a 12 year old, by that 12 year old.

Along with a list that doesn't even compare to this one of endless things that I will miss. Desperately. 

Who really thought of the name Urkel?

I'm having a problem not being satisfied with my life. 

I read blogs, work for people, live around people, and talk to people whose lives I feel I would do anything to have. 

I have spent so much of my life chasing boys, waiting for one to pick me, and I don't know why I do it. None of my self-initiated boy missions have ever ended in a significant other for Kelly, and sheer devastation isn't really my feeling of choice... is it? 

At the end of the day all I want is to have someone to talk to, someone who is willing to invest in me. Sometimes at the closing of a typical day, I just listen to Praise Baby music even thought there is no baby in the room- does that mean I'm the baby? 

All I desire is to feel like I belong in whatever circumstance or place God puts me in. But instead, the only thing I ever do is question it. 

God has never let me down, there's been times when I didn't get my version of how I imagined things should be, but never has He left me or forsaken me. 

As humans, we tend to not like to admit we're wrong, yet I've run out of combinations of arabic numerals to keep track of how often I've been wrong. For once, I'd just really like to be right. 

Even if that just meant predicting I could sleep through a whole night and then actually accomplishing it. 

Lord, I just need you to sustain me. To help me persevere. I want to continue to begin, and make it through this upcoming new year fully fulfilled with you, and my life. I trust that you will provide. I trust that you will have delights and surprises in store for me. Being where I am is not a dead end, every day is a fresh start. 

I had the best day, with you Today.

Today my family thought it would be fun to take pictures of our eyes, well really just eye. For some random reason my Dad wasn't involved... and it wasn't because he said he didn't want to be, apparently we just didn't invite him. Shame. 

Then for about an hour we talked about exactly what colors our eyes are. It was a really pointless conversation, but it was fun. 

I really love my sister, even though sometimes we feel like this: 

it always somehow ends up like this:
so today, I am thankful for sisters. 

The 12 Days of Christmas Start Today

Had to take the sleeping pills tonight. 


Also, the only thing on television is "The Real Housewives: Atlanta". 

When I went to the doctor for my checkup, I told her about how uneasy I still was about changing my medication. So I asked her to really outline WHY I couldn't stay on my anxiety medication, and the nutshell version of what she said is that it is highly addictive, and not commonly prescribed, as long as I see her, I wouldn't have a problem being able to get it, but if I were to change doctor's, they would be weary to give it to me. She also said that the body becomes immune to it, and you have to take higher and higher doses. So that was pretty much all the push I needed to look at myself and say 'Get over it, and trust in God". 

I'm now at the lowest dose of that medication, weaning myself off. So in about a week, I won't be taking it anymore. Even though it scares me, and feels like my cozy little security blanket, seriously... God is my Rock.

After I gave Jennifer my Christmas gift to her, she hugged me 3 times, and I was almost in tears. I cannot explain what a blessing it is to have a Doctor that you can talk to, and a Doctor who is a firm believer in the power of Christ. After she went through the comments of 'you didn't have to get me a gift', I told her how much of a blessing that she was and how thankful I was of her. And she ACTUALLY said that my mother and I are blessings in her life. That she always looks forward to seeing us, and learning more about the disorder. She is such a rare little gem, I cannot get enough of her. Thank you Lord.

I wanna thank you, for giving me your eyes.

Remember how I forgot how to sleep? Well tonight's another one of those nights. 
My mom started giving me some natural sleeping pills, and they works well, but I don't like the idea of taking them. So here I am, awake... naturally, and wondering why the heck I am. 

Time with the nannying boys has been much to often in the past weeks, so I feel like my 3 week break from them is much needed. I'm looking forward to tomorrow with Zoey, another free day without the grumpy boys and girl time for her and I to play and laugh. Which is exactly what we did today:


Since it snowed last night....

we stayed indoors until it warmed up outside. 

I'm semi falling asleep while I write this... I'm going to try to embrace it, and GO TO SLEEP. We'll see...

confrontation is a punishment.

As many people have told me, the media has been alerted. [in reference to previous post title]

Sorry its taken me so long, I literally feel like i've been running around with my head cut off and i just accidentally tripped over it and was able to screw it back on (for now...)

I've worked all week long, and when I say 'worked' I mean loooonnnnggg days. we're talking 6am-8pm people. 

and i seem to have accumulated this sleeping problem that i don't really know how to resolve: i forgot how to do it. 

i think it might have a lot to do with my medication switch just not working for me. which is depressing  because this is the first time that I haven't been able to conquer a problem involving OCD since almost a year ago, and its really disheartening. Now I have to go in for my two week check up and say that after attempting the next step for the past month and a little bit more, I have to revert back to my old medications. Which would be okay, except for the fact that they aren't long term medications. So now, I'm freaked that I can't live without them, yet I can't live with them because I can't take them for an extended period of time. Which, really I'd like to know why because if the only detrimental side effect is like, growing an extra appendage or something I might be willing to cope. 

Also its gonna be weird when I probably cry in the doctors office about this and then give my doctor a Christmas present for all she's done. When I feel like a complete failure. I also don't think it helps that the Cross I'm giving her says 'hope'... then again, maybe I should just take that message to heart and have a little bit more hope when it comes to this. 

I know it isn't curable, but I don't like to think about that part. It makes the future sound like an abysmal mess. And that seems to not settle well with me. go figure. 

alert the media.

I'm pretty sure that I am getting ready to make my first B in my college career. Which wouldn't mean anything if this was like semester 1 of my college career, but alas it's semester 4 (ish) sort of 5. So only for the next few days can I continue to say that I have a 4.0. I think that this may be taken away from me because of pride issues? just a guess, considering i'm devoting a blog to the sudden downfall of my academic career. 

It could be because I now have several responsibilities to attend to other than just being a student (unlike my other college semesters). Now I juggle three kids, driving to and from, picking up and dropping off at school, homework help in a variety of subjects, doctor's appointments, therapy, and medication, all while taking distance courses which mean at the end of the day, I have to muster up energy on my own to do my work/study/read/care at all. 

However, I'm beginning to embrace the 'B'. Mostly because now, regardless of whether I make a 14 or a 100 on the final exam, I will get a B. To which, to my Mother's chagrin, I retorted, well at least I don't have to really care anymore. She urgently responded with 'Yes, It still matters!' And I said 'a B is a B, whether an 89 or an 80'

and isn't that the truth!? For all things life gives us. 

Christmas is All Around Us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

EDIT: I wanted everyone to know, that Paco and I have now already watched SpongeBob and are now watching that weird teenage robot show. I don't understand it. 

I woke Paco up by jumping on the bed. Is that allowed, when he is sleeping in his parents bed, I'm not sure. If it wasn't allowed, would I still do that? :) 

Then he literally RAN to the couch in the family room and hibernated under a huge blanket, to which i added more blankets on top to escape from the cold. Then he requested hot chocolate. So me, the beloved nanny that I am, made him some hot choco. 

But here is the best part, I thought today would be tough, but when I walked into Pancho and Paco's house........ 

That's right, Christmas greeted me! EVERYWHERE! the tree is up, wreaths and garland hanging from the stairs, nutcrackers, and HUGE WREATHS on the doors! How could this day not be good now? 

Jon and Kate are my friends.

I thought having two jobs and writing a paper was tough, but I think this week will top the charts. 

First of all, I come to so many people's rescue. They should really make some sort of award for me or something because Pancho has to go to the medical center in the morning, and Paco doesn't want to go, so guess who gets to go wake Pac up at 7AM and watch SpongeBob with him, and then take him to school? 

Then I have Bible Study Nanning tomorrow morning, then lunch with a friend (who will probably give birth any moment now) plus Zoey. 

Then I'm going to try to get to the mall to get my sister's Christmas gift with Zoey in tow. 

Then back to feed Zoey and put her down for a nap. 

All the while tending to my baby ear. 

I'm watching the new TLC show 'twins, twins, and sextuplets' and I'm sorta freaking out. It doesn't make me feel happy like Jon and Kate do. I really think Jon and Kate's little ones are cute, and that's why we all think their life is okay. These people's life is psycho. I don't want to watch it anymore. It hurts my eyes. I'm going to have nightmares about multiple children now. Especially since every time I get a new medication I have super vivid dreams for the first month or so. 

Gloria, Glory in the Highest.

I really am such a limited creature. Yet treasured over all creation, isn't that strange? God is cool like that. 

My sister and I decided to do a sister thing and get our cartilage's pierced together. so we did, in celebration of life together. 

then, apparently it did something strange to me. 
it made me think i was cool. 

whenever i get into this i'm cool state, it's just scary. 

at dinner with my family i kept saying 'people are going to see this and think i'm like, a partier or something... isn't that cool?' 'i feel so cool'. 'look how cool i am' 'maybe i will get a boyfriend now'. 

but my favorite part is when the cool crashes and burns, and the revelation that i am SO NOT cool comes blaring back out. 

it always happens after I say I have now entered the stage where I am cool enough to have a boyfriend. Then I freak out that I am like 80 years old (hyperbole) and am alone, and that I should put kitty chow on the top of my Christmas list so I can go ahead and stock up on all the cat food that I'm going to need for the rest of my life, and how sad it will be that my sister can't come visit me because of her deathly allergy to cats. 

Anyways, today's uncool realization came when I started pointing out people at the mall and saying 'are you my husband?' Please imagine every single imaginable incorrect suitor. Those are the people I pointed to and asked my family about. It was a great game. I think I ended up with the phone salesman, or this guy with an afro. I can't remember. 

Take all of your so called problems, better put em' in quotations.

EDIT. to all my commenters. I really appreciate you guys. You have no idea how much I can feel your thoughts and prayers everyday. I know that Jesus Christ uses us as a body to help each other, and this is only one of the many ways he has proven that to me. Thank you for being my arm, or foot, or even eye; whatever part you want to be ;). Also I thought that smiley was clever because it is winking, aka the eye. Now, everyone should want to be the eye. 

Today was one of the roughest days thus far. Pretty much, though I'll probably say that until tomorrow comes around. 

I awoke later than usual, because Paco and Pancho's Dad told me that he would be taking them to school today. However, what is the first thing my phone alerts me of? That Pancho... Mr. I am always late and forgetful' has left me voicemails regarding that I am supposed to take him to school. Well, guess what buddy. It's too late, school started 20 minutes ago. So, I decided to basically pretend that I didn't get that message and hope that he either found a ride to school, or is basking in the glory of not having to go to school and playing Gears of War whatever all day long. 

Then, my mother begins to hound me to call my doctor back. She called to discuss my medicine, but I, with my intense knowledge of all things, knew that the doctor wasn't going to make any real decisions without me in her office, so I was putting off calling back. So what does my mother do? Oh, call the doctor for me and then say she is going to hand the phone to me. It's like when I was 5 and I had to call someone to say thank you for the ridiculous knitted play thing. 

Moral of that story, I am always right. 

Then I went to Tuesday bible study to nanny. All things went well when Ashley and I chatted with N's mother. Then the 2 1/2 hour study time inched its way along with N hitting Zoey only twice. This is how following conversation goes: 
 "N, did you just hit Zoey"
"We do not hit Zoey, or anyone really" 
"Yes what? No, N do we hit people?"

Good heavens. 

So then I go to pick up Paco from school with Zoey in tow. It's rainy day dismissal, also known as wait 30 extra minutes for your child to be escorted by a teacher and an umbrella to your car when it's sprinkling outside. Maybe it's just the skeptic in me?

Then he gets in the car and I ask him about picking up in the morning, and he basically gets mad at me and tells me that I am in trouble? I don't know where this came from, then he called his Mom to ask her, (this is the second time today that the invention of the phone is being glared at by me) and she says that it was a misunderstanding and not my fault. 

Then we pick Pancho up and the boys are just being boys. They don't really care what I tell them to do, and every time i talk to them, its like talking to a brick wall. Then they throw their stuff on the ground and ask me to help them with their homework. Then proceed to get it out and look at me and say 'actually, it's not that hard, could you just do it for me?'    UM. NO. 

So now they are whispering to each other that I am obviously "pissed off". direct quote. And I just didn't know how to take that, so I pretended it didn't exist (this is twice today) and just played with Zoey. 

Then I made a homemade pizza and salad for them, and they decided to scrutinize every aspect of it. By now, I'm basically humming to myself while leafing through my people magazine. And then, time was up, I got to come home. To a weird smell of cajun rice weirdness. 

So now, I'm ranting. Rant over. 

On the plus side, God was in control of today no matter how frantic or disheveled or even plain mad I got. Sometimes I wish I could control my thoughts better and face the problem head on, but most of the time I end up acting like a 3 year old. Also, I need to be finishing up my research paper, but pretty much everything sounds better than that right now. Even flossing. 

give me one pure and holy passion

"I came back to my hometown almost a year ago in a totally devastated state of mind. I felt like complete failure, and I came to try to overcome my OCD. The entire first months here were a total roller coaster- one that I wouldn't trade for the world though. I spent most of my time in doctor's offices, in psychotherapy, in family therapy, and cognitive therapy- but most of all praying. I
loved college and all of my friends- but I had to come home and that was, and is, hard to deal with. From January until April, I was completely depressed with what I felt God had dealt me. However, I was blessed with more than I could ever imagine- my doctors were great- and the most influential was a strong and powerful Christian, she encouraged me in all aspects of my life. Then in April, I finally got in to see my cognitive therapist, and my life changed. I had motivation, encouragement, and direction. Opportunities started flying at me right and left for normality, with a pace I could finally handle. In July, I was blessed with obtaining my two nannying jobs; Zoey and the boys. Even with all of the energy that they make me muster up daily, it is all such a breath of fresh air. When I'm with them, I feel like myself. I felt there was no reason why God brought me back here, but I wouldn't have it any other way now. "

I found most of that in a journal entry I wrote about a month or two ago. And you know what, it's so true. Every now and then God smacks me on the head with a realization that I seemed to have forgotten. He is mighty, He is here, and He loves me. 

One promise that I made to myself when I started this blog, was that I was going to be completely real. There would be no sugar coating to this life. But when I say that I am devastated that I have no sense of companionship or friendship here, I feel like a whiney baby. I feel like I'm sitting at God's feet and looking at Him and saying 'You know God, you are really great and all, and you helped me through a time when I thought I was literally going to die, but you just can't ever pull through all the way for me'. Ungrateful much? 

I can't lie to God though. He knows even my innermost thoughts. When I can't put into words what it feels like to not be surrounded by others even remotely your age, God understands. My babble makes sense to Him, and that's enough to be thankful for right there. 

I've had a lot of opportunities to meet people since I've been here, and you know what, I can literally tell you that I took that challenge right on. I've talked to more strangers over this past year than I have in my entire life combined. Talking to strangers was what even led me to get the opportunity to go on vacation this past weekend. 

In my small human brain, I assumed that getting out there and meeting people and making friends was what God wanted me to do. Was His plan for me for now. So when the opportunity for this weekend arose, it was like I almost felt triumphant in conquering the quest for friendship. However, as recent events have panned out, that wasn't really the case. Don't get me wrong, I praise Jesus for the fact that I was even able to make it through the weekend, or even to go at all; but his desire for me to befriend new friends in order to nestle in to my new life, might not have been what he was trying to show me. 

Mostly because they basically told me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. Now, I know, we all just had flashbacks to 6th grade at the lunch table, but really... that's what went down. And as I sit here, looking at myself in the mirror, I wonder why they seem to think that friendships aren't important? That they aren't trying to serve and love others as Christ serves us. That they don't feel the calling to lead by example with our earthly friendships and work together to show the world what Christian love and life is all about. But you know what, when I look in the mirror, all I really see is selfish hurt; because you know.... it's one thing to be broken up with and to be told a relationship just won't work... but to be told a friendship won't work? That's rejection at it's finest. 

So here's what I'm hearing God say to me now, and with further reading of my Bible I'm hoping to come to a fast conclusion. But what he really did was wake me up with a phone call from a friend in college right now. The perfect phone call at the perfect time from the right person. And it was like  a lightbulb went off. Here I am, complaining that I don't have any friends and pouting for God to bring me someone to paint my toenails with, and what sort of example have I been to the friends that I already have... even though the distance is great? I don't think my attitude towards them is really even on the Jesus-like chart at all. So here's the new deal: make time for my current friends. Show them that love and friendship knows no boundaries. And continue to pray for God to fill the void I seem to be obsessing over. 
[This picture was taken during the weekend, and it means a lot to me because I remember exactly how I felt when it was taken. I felt alive and I had passion for people. I'll just be shifting this focus to people God has already brought me]

all things work together for his good

"you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

that's the motto of this past weekend. i really jumped out of my comfort zone and did something i would never really do, OCD or not. I went to south padre island, with people I had only met one time. It was four of us, and it was the greatest vacation ever. And my first vacation sans family.

most of my time was spent in God's word, talking, and being seriously amazed at the ocean God created. I am so thankful for this answer to prayer. A weekend with new friends, a long drive, and time away.

unfortunately, there was a catch to the weekend. Isn't there always? one of the boys had decided that i liked him. did i ever give him any indication of that? no. so he mostly ignored me. it really hurt me. because maybe it was just my OCD, but i was convinced that he thinks i'm annoying or obnoxious, or just plain not worth his time in being friends. and its heartbreaking. especially when i am under the assumption that God handpicked that trip for me to make new friends, and i already feel like i'm being ousted by one of them?

raindrops keep POUNDING on my head.

So, for the past two weeks, my doctor has brought me down on my anxiety medication. it's a medication that she added to the mix along with my general OCD meds when I started cognitive therapy. And I didn't realize how much I loved it until this week. 

The antianxiety medication has a really long half life, so its effects take longer to sink in then my OCD medication, which means they take longer to wear off too. So this week, week 2 of the undertaking, has been killer. I've had problems controlling my thoughts, but still have a good grasp on my actions. Which is good, and mostly what my OCD medication does anyway. And from what I've written down, my thought problems only occur when my anxiety is high, or when something stressful happens, or of course.... when I get sick. The ultimate OCD nightmare. Germs. 

So, I've been trying to deal with all the stressors of coming down on the medicine, because I know I can do it. I am not captive to this illness, and the answer is not found in medication anyways, its found in Jesus. But its difficult to do when I give so much everyday to what I can possibly do. Call me OCD, but I never do things halfway. So with my schoolwork and my nanny jobs, I try to do the ultimate in everything. It's not for praise or for more self esteem, its just my nature. I want to cater to people, and I like it. 

But catering and healing are hard to juggle. Along with feeling like a loner too. I don't have many friends here at all, and when I say friends I don't mean countable friends. Countable friends are family members, work employees, bosses, and etc. So after you take out everyone in my life, that generally leaves me with no one, because believe it or not, my therapist really doesn't want to hang out with me? I know, shocking. 

So, I'm just tired and being a whiny pants.

 And yesterday some roofing company called my cellular for a follow up to an inquiry that I had made, which of course I hadn't really made. Their response to that I hadn't asked for any information lead them to ask me, 
"Well, was it maybe your husband?"
Me: "No, I don't have a husband. I am not married"
Them: "Oh, you don't? I am really sorry." 
Me: "Thank you" (? maybe?) 
Them: "And thank you for your time."

swing swing swing swing.

dear internets, 
i apologize in advance for the fact that this video is sideways. forgive me, i did not know what i was doing. this sort of thing is a pet peeve of mine, but the video is too cute to not post. thank you. 

Today, Zoey and N and I actually had a pretty productive day. After N's normal meltdown, I just pretty much ignored him. He kept saying Momma, and normally I answer politely something about that she isn't here right now, but this time; I tried the ignoring route. It wasn't too bad. Then I tried to involve him in the plans. Asking him to help me find Zoey's room. Asking him to help me find Zoey's shoes... etc. Then we left for our walk early. Normally I try to hold out for the walk until after about an hour or so, but this time we booked it early. I had plans to go to the neighborhood park. And we did. N had a great time with all the slides. And Zoey swung for the first time! She was precious. But the journey was longer than I bargained for, and I was COVERED in sweat the entire time. During our play time because of me pushing two kids in a stroller is hard hard work. Then pushing swings. Then pushing the stroller back home while trying to pacify children by singing songs. I'm sure I appeared crazy to anyone who came across us. I even got to chat with a Mom who was at the park with her kids. She was super sweet, so I am hoping that I will get to see that precious little family again at the park! 

it's just too good to be true.

So, the beginning stages of sickness is starting to hit me. lame. 

This weekend, was really enjoyable. I normally don't really like the weekends, because they are not scheduled, and I normally just do a bunch of homework, and feel bored. The weekends are the times that I miss my friends from school. 

This weekend I went to my alma mater's football game, and sat with family friends. I had a lot of fun watching the game, and being intense about it, because I am always intense about football, and seeing old friends. There was a little girl in front of us who came at about the 4th quarter, and my Mom kept talking to her, and playing with her. At first, I thought it was a little creepy. That my Mom was talking to this random girl and she was even sitting in my Mom's lap at one point. But then, on the way home, I thought about how fun my Mom seemed to that youngster. And how hopefully, one day, my kids will think that too. And that will really be a treasure. To have a youthful grandmother, who is really fun. Both my grandmothers were very subdued, so  I can't really imagine what it would be like to have my mother as a grandmother. 

On Saturday I got to babysit EmBro, my favorites. Em and I even saw Cynthia at the ballpark which was such a great surprise! She and her boys (including husband) were there, and we got to talk to them for a while. Em even had Cynthia read her essay for class and grade it, since Cyn was my 6th grade English teacher, we felt it only proper. And of course, she responded with the declaration that Em is a genius, because I taught her all I know. 

Last night, while babysitting, my throat started to really ache. I decided it was just from screaming at the football game, and then cheering little leaguer on that night, so I had some herbal tea, and hoped it would get better. By the time I got home at 2 AM, better was not in my vocabulary. I misted some lavender pillow spray, and went to bed. Then at church, I was feeling miserable. And thinking about the homework that I still had yet to do. As soon as church was over, I crawled into my bed, strapped on my sleeping mask, misted some more lavender, drew the curtains, and lit a eucalyptus candle. I've been taking medicine steadily, and my Mom brought some fruit home for me to eat. Being sick is such a drag. Losing your appetite is annoying, and this painful sinus headache is about to encourage me to throw something out the window. Tonight's agenda is: Take a lavender bath, by candle light. I read that if you encourage your brain to shut down earlier, by turning off the lights, that you sleep better and longer. So, after that, putting some E oil on all my mosquito bite scars, and slipping into bed with a relaxation CD. 

I'm a nanny, which is basically a Mom. And Mom's don't get sick! This should not be happening.  

somebody kill me now.

this is what happens to moms of little league players. 

its the result of nervous pacing when your child is playing catcher, and becomes responsible for multiple runs for the other team.

it is also the result of having to hold in your pee because the bathrooms are locked and you can't sit down any longer so you have to stand and pace. and pace and stand. and the next morning, you want to die. 

Mosquito incident '08

yes, underneath each of those band-aids lies a lingering, itching, dreadful, lump of mosquito bite. four of the band-aids have 3 + bites hiding underneath. And yes, while typing this post, I did come across a new one. Unfortunately, the household is now barren of band-aids (I cannot imagine how that happened) so I am having to settle for just ointment and i am about to go insane.

drizzle rain always taunts me on days that we have baseball.

tough day. phew, and that doesn't even begin to describe it. 

first of all, being a mom is tough. second of all, if any actual mothers of the children i discuss here are reading this, i really do love your kids, they just suck the life out of me sometimes. 

today was the longest day of my life. i think i may have made it longer by not participating in a few important meals of the day, but there was just no time. 

today, i worked as the 'childcare provider' at a morning Bible Study at Ashley's house. Normally I just have two kids, Zoey, and the child who shall be called N. 

N is quite a handful, he's a fun boy, but he's reaching the terrible two's fast. first, he doesn't want to be away from his mommy. which makes things hard. and second, he had a monumental meltdown last week.  so today, in comes walking N's mother, and she brings him upstairs into the play room for him, where the television is so that he can tune in to PBS, and she tells me that this time, I just need to stay in there with him, and if I have to go over to the other room (the infant room) then I need to take him with me at all times. I wanted to look at her and say 'seriously?' you want me to bring him with me everytime i step six feet forward into another separate room where infants are so that he can throw toys at their heads like he often does, and then scream in their faces 'MEOW!!!!" and wake them and deafen them at the same time? but I just smiled and nodded. Then Ashley came in to check on me, and was holding Zoey baby, I told her that I was going to stay in there with N, who by this point, had just reached the denoument of his 'MOOOOOMMMMMMMYY" screaming, and was settling down in a swivel chair while gasping for air and breathing very loudly, with loose tears still dripping down his face. She told me to not worry about anything, and that I really am a good Nanny, none of this has anything to do with me. in the midst of the conversation, Ashley says 'oh no'. And I turn to see that N somehow got ahold of some crafting powder, and dumped the red powder all over the carpet. Ashley calms me by saying she's going to get the hand held vacuum, and i recite the Lord's prayer.

 The rest of two hour time slot was filled with me trying to pacify N's every want/need/cry/wimper/ and knocking on the door saying "Mommy???" i guess assuming she'd answer the door to the room he was knocking from the inside of? We went for a walk in the double sit and stand, and he did pretty well, until he realized that if he put his feet on the wheels it stops the stroller from moving. After about twenty minutes of this, and me blowing up like a volcano, i took his shoes off (relieving some of the traction he was getting) pushed his seat back, and tightened his seat belt, then i got down at his level, and very sternly without yelling said 'YOU HAVE TO STOP'. then we proceeded gliding around making sure to stop at every pumpkin to be found, and saying 'hi pumpkin! N says hello!'. Bless the Lord that Zoey is perfect for all of this. She is the reason I still have all my hair still in place. 

After everyone left, and Ashley went to work, Zoey tried to take a nap, but it was stressful for her. probably because she was having nightmares that N was hitting her on the head like he did at a certain point during the stroller walk. i think he was checking to see if she was there, but it was a little harsh. i did teach him to say zoey, and it was more like a 'soey' but it was awfully cute, even under the circumstances. i forgot to mention while on our walk, another exercising woman yelled at me, precious kids :) and i didn't have the heart to tell her the real story. that they aren't mine, they aren't always precious, they aren't really kids, they are evil spirits. (occasionally, remember I love Zoey, Ashley... ok?) So i brought her downstairs and after a few minutes she was asleep lying on the couch with me. we stayed there for a few hours and then off to pick up Sam at school. Having to assemble three kids, and dinner for two of them, and getting an infant home and then off to baseball is difficult. it's more than a task, its a mission. then after dropping the infant off, and the now youngest attendant begging for motrin, forcing me to stop at a CVS while we are running late to the game, to run in and purchase an 8 dollar bottle of motrin so he can dry swallow one capsule, sort of just makes me more mad? then the little fart fell asleep on the way to his baseball game, i can't tell you how tempted i was to just turn the car around and go home and skip the game. 

Luckily, even when kids are big time snots, there are still times that you just can't help but love them. like when zoey napped with me, and when i snapped some pictures of sam sleeping in the car, when Sam got to play catcher, and was really excited, and I was on the edge of my seat freaking out, and when James asks me to help him look for something in his science book and i find it the second he hands it to me and he follows that by saying 'oh just shut up," while i coyly grin at him :) those are good things. 

then Sam and James' mom came just in time for the last inning, and I got to chat with her for a while. She even hugged me when she saw me. it was monumental for us. She told me that the boys adore Zoey, and that they really love me. She said never in her life have the boys looked forward to her having to go to work. This made my day a million trillion times better, just in time for bedtime pretty much. 

my wise soon to be doctor friend advised me to get a good nights sleep and eat a healthy breakfast to recharge in the morning. but i've got therapy tomorrow afternoon so i figure that will recharge me enough. wish me luck with my first appointment in three months! i'm sure i have plenty of child rearing blues to share with good ole doc. 

27 ripe years!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday Ashley!! 

Zoey and I had so much fun helping make Ashley's birthday the best ever. We woke up at 6:30 AM, and started decorating. In the dark. Not the brightest idea. (ha. literally) I woke up on purpose, but apparently Zoey could feel that I was up to lots of good so she decided to quietly wake up and join in on the fun. We got streamers up, and birthday hats, and party poppers, and a happy birthday banner up, all before Ashley woke up! Zoey even had time to take a morning nap. Then she woke at the perfect time for her Mommy to open her present, and for them to wear the party hats that I made them. Ash's said 'It's my Birthday" and Zoey's said "It's my Momma's Birthday!" [pictures to come soon]

After pumpkin spice pancakes, Zoey and I sent everyone off to work. Then Zoey and I played all day. Ashley and I had been talking about getting in Zoey's crib. That sounded weird. 

It all started when one of Ashley's friends talked about how when her daughter used to get fussy, that she would just climb into the crib with her so that she would go to sleep. She said it was really comfortable. So Ashley and I became interested in that. So today, Zoey was just crawling around in her crib, so I jumped in and we just played in the crib. I held her in the air and showed her how to stand up holding the side of the crib (sorry if that's going to become a problem Ashley...) and she was so cute! She saw her room and crib in a whole new light. 

Then we went and picked up a cookie cake at the mall to surprise Ashley with when she came home from work. Unfortunately we took our trip to the mall too early, so we browsed around. Baby Gap was the stupidest place for me to ever go. I found Zoey some cute cute things for her 6 month birthday later in the week, and of course I had to buy them. Honestly, there is no possible way to deny purchasing cute baby clothes after seeing them. Seriously, no way. 

So we surprised the Mommy with a cake, and then the parents went out for dinner, and Zoey and I had a girls night in. until she feel asleep in my arms at 8 pm. It was the perfect day, happy 27th Ashley!!

Baby Scoots, Baby Crawls, Baby Steps, and Baby Falls

All my little babes in action. The boys really are so good with Zoey. They are so anxious to know about the new things that she can do whenever they get to see her. And of course, more than willing to play with her. I think they like it that I am there with the baby instead of an 'adult', because I have a little bit more flexibility when it comes to kids holding babies (dont' worry Ash). I want them to, I think that is the only way they won't be afraid of them... but the spit up thing... that's a different story.

But I ain't giving up, love will come back around.

i'm having a really hard time right now. just with life i guess. there isn't anything going remarkably wrong, but it's like nothing is going remarkably great so that equates unhappiness? its very weird. i'm trying to push all this unhappiness into studying more, but its really just having the opposite effect. 

ever since i had a bad experience when i was only 17, i learned that the best method to life, is to wear your heart on your sleeve. and generally, this gets me through life accordingly. its an ok theory. the only bad part is that not really many other people share my views regarding that. So its difficult to talk to people when i try to be really honest and they either don't know how to handle it, or they think i'm just full of it. 

the truth is, my life has taken a dramatic turn ever since OCD reared its ugly head. I used to be a little more self focused and constantly trying to fulfill my own happiness. Now, I see what a difference I can be for others, and how I can use that in a positive aspect, instead of just wasting it all on me. Today, Zoey and I went to go pick up my sister from school and we sat in the parking lot and zoey stood on my lap and knawed on the steering wheel and kept accidentally falling onto the horn and honking at random kids. and it was one of the sweetest moments i've ever experienced. the horn scared her a little, but i really think she was getting a kick out of it. these moments are so precious, and to tell you the truth, when kids are around... they really aren't so rare! I feel blessed beyond measure to be doing what I'm doing now. 

I had a doctors visit this week. And it was stressful to me. The only thing there seems to be to talk about now is the future. And that is one thing that I don't even want to think about. Right now, I don't know what I want to do, so it seems pretty difficult to try to make future plans. And everyone says that its fine to not know what you want to do, but in the back of my mind i do know what i want to do. I want to be a mom. Desperately. And I always scoff at the people who say this, I feel like its almost a cop out to life. Like you don't want any responsibilities, so you'll just be a Mom. But, if I've learned anything in the past few months, its that that statement is entirely untrue. 

So I find myself in another waiting room. Only this time, not in my doctor's office. In my life. 

And it's really uncomfortable. 

I feel lost and tired about the future, but for right now I feel like I am right where I am supposed to be... I wish that seemed like enough. 

sometimes life is faster than a flash.

i am by no means a photographer, but i do like recording the lives of my nannying kids because they grow so fast. enjoy, because i do! 

this is sams face regarding most things that occur. 

two pashiras, true love.

we often have our hands full.

photo courtesy of sam's stealing skillz. 
they are pretty obsessed with each other.

practice equates perfect when without power


pashmina is sorta like pashira.

i love fall weather. i just want to snuggle up in it, and that is currently being made possible via my pashmina from Paris that John brought me back as a sussy. And a good sussy, indeed! 

yesterday I was blessed with getting the opportunity to help my dear friends mother help clean up and pack her house to get ready for her soon to come move. I had so much fun just chatting with her about just the ordinary, and cleaning with her. She is so insightful. You know those kind of people that you can be around, and they can just read your actions and facial expressions like a book? she's one of those, and I love her for it. 

work is in full swing again, and i am so relieved. i am thankful for the break most of all because I got to hang out with the precious Bell family. They really motivate me and bring me to life when I'm around them. Those three little boys may be a handful, but a precious little handful. 

i did that thing again where i talk to a random stranger. ok, here's the deal people. don't encourage me in this category. apparently there's gotta be some kind of facebook group or something of the sort devoted to seeing how much crazy things you people can get me to say to strangers. STOP IT! This time, I was positive that a boy at church looked familiar to me. So what do my friends do, oh you know, just ENCOURAGE me to go talk to him. 

the only problem is that, 'hey, you look familiar' is like the oldest trick in the book... except for this time i really meant it! not that i've used the line before. or ever even had the chance to? So i went up to him and asked him, only to be embarrassed by his answer of that it was nearly impossible that we were to ever meet seeing as he grew up in a state far far away, and then went to school in another state far far away. He did kindly mention a camp he once attended, which made me laugh and spout out that we were going too far now, next thing you know we'd be listing the McDonald's we've eaten at on the road during family vacations. Anyways, he turned out to be a nice guy, so hopefully I will see him again. And we can be church buddies. Who knows, we may even sit in the same pew next week. But don't hold your breath. Unless someone ENCOURAGES me to go over there. Don't do it. 

goal: be selfish.

(first of all, I'm not going to mention anything about 'that hurricane' because if I hear one more thing about it, I'm gonna puke). 

I had a really great time in Dallas, it is such a cool city. My Aunt lives in the heart of downtown area and I loved it. Walking when its not so humid and icky is really refreshing. I just like the casual comfort the town gives. This was really my first trip to Dallas. We've gone there for events, and driven through but never really gone there... just to go there. And it was great. 

The youth minister at my church emailed me today about a position as the director of youth registration. Now as we all know, just a few posts earlier I cried about how I wanted to serve in the youth group as a teacher, and he wouldn't 'allow' it. So what was my Christian, kind, loving response? To leave and go to a different department and ignore the youth entirely. I know, its really mature and really proving that I want to work with the youth? not. 
So as soon as he sent me that email, I felt inclined to say 'YES!' because the thought of having a place to belong sounds nice. But, after I sent it, I thought that I really didn't really ask God what he thought about it.

Sometimes, I get so lost in the idea that opportunities themselves are signs from God. But that isn't always the case. Really, rarely I suppose. So, I've gotta see what God says... but sometimes I just don't know if I'm listening to hear him. 

BTW: I didn't hit on any random boys in Dallas. It was a good week. 

Check out my friend Mark's new blog, it's a great idea. Support him. :) 

Go away Ike.

Ike completely hates me... as in still present tense. no power for my house. and my dad's finally gotten it through his skull to evacuate. a little late, but oh well. 

a couple of people, (when i say couple i'm probably embellishing, i mean its not like i have a cult following) have mentioned reading about my boy blogs, and then pursue to ask me for advice in relational dilemmas. EVERYONE: THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: I do not offer sound advice. I am not emotionally stable to offer you advice seeing as how whenever I'm in a 5 foot radius from a male human I feel magnetized to his side and shaking his hand and mumbling words before I even form the sentences and the conversations normally end with 'do you have a girlfriend'. my middle name is desperation. and I KNOW... for those that tell me constantly.... I'm only 20. 

So while I wallow in the memories of handing boys hidden poems with descriptive feelings and then being ignored... all while harboring feelings that seem to never go away. I mean, its been 5 years people, can I move on already? I fear everyday someone I know is going to call Dr. Phil to my doorstep to come get me out of this relational funk/obsession I have with a 5 year... nothing. it's not even a relationship... its literally nothing. Anyways, I digress, while I wallow in the mems, I've done this new thing where I obsess over really great guys, that are ALREADY TAKEN. (If any wives are reading this, I apologize now, I don't know how to control myself). You know the normal great examples like Robbie Seay, and Matt Chandler. I obsess over reading their wives' blogs and pretending to lead the life of a mother and caring wife and all the other things that are way too far out of my reach. 

Oftentimes, and when I say often I typically mean like... everyday. I find myself quoting 'The Holiday" to myself. There's this one phrase that Iris says that hits me so hard every time I hear it... 'Unrequited Love is the Worst Kind' and yet it's my favorite.  I'm literally infatuated with the thrills (aka horrors) it brings me everyday of my life. Its all so masochistic, I just don't know what to do with myself. 

Oops... I did it again.

This attempt at talking to random boy... seemed to go a little smoother. So, we (my sister and mother and I) are at Randall's waiting in the checkout line. The woman in front of us, abandons her post... leaves her groceries on the checkout thing to go on a mad search for hushpuppies. While she's gone, the checker proceeds to begin scanning her items. Well this woman was, how do I put it nicely.... stupid? And left them all in one big fat huge pile, stupid for her, GREAT for me. So as they began falling off the conveyer belt, one by one, I waltzed (anyone notice I do a lot of 'waltzing' when it comes to boys?) up and picked the item off the floor and put it back on the belt, and smiled at Randall's checker outer boy, name tag reading: Alex. This process takes place multiple times, and he always cordially thanks me, the last time I attempt to pick up the item he chuckles and says 'This will drive you crazy!" And I smiled back to him and said something like 'happy to help'. 

So then, my Mom leans over to me and says, "I don't have my Randall's card and last time our phone number didn't work! What are we going to   do?" So I whipped out my superwoman cape and saved the day by whispering, "I know Leslie's phone number, she comes here all the time, and I've used it before." AHA! My moment to speak to 'Alex' and look him in the eye at the same time! WOO! So we finally get to go up there after the woman in front of us tells us some horribly boring story about how her husband is possessed with hushpuppies. I'm fairly positive that she meant, obsessed, but we were all too frightened to suggest that. So she finally leaves, and we go up there. And my Mom is being all weird and saying "Uh... Kelly... tell him our phone number?" Which makes it obvious to him that I'm the one that wants to tell the phone number. Well true, but really its because my Mom doesn't know Leslie's phone number. So this was awkward situation 1. Then he looks at me and says "So, what are you up to this weekend." And my Mom punches me in the gut while I choke on my own saliva. And I spit out some sort of sentence implying nothing. Then Mom says that the rest of the family is going to the Football Game tonight, and he starts getting really excited saying things like me too, blah blah. And then my Mom is like, "We can never get Kelly to come to the games... She should still support her Alma Mater", and he says, "I still do, even though I'm in college" (excellent throw there Alex.) SO THIS TIME... instead of asking about his relational status, I decide to just stalk him through A.) technology and B.) the game attendees. 

My sister got involved for the search of Alex and we eventually stumbled over him through the computer. End ups Alex loves Jesus, watches great TV, has excellent priorities, and has a strong and steady girlfriend. Embarrassment for today saved? barely. 

My sister is just over here crossing her fingers that Alex calls Leslie's phone number and asks to speak to me. 

Why Did I Ask THAT?


i did it again. 

that thing where i make a fool out of myself while trying to attract a guy. 

i'm seriously going to have to start writing a book about these horrible encounters. 

This time, it was with Apple Store Guy. Earlier in the month, Ashley and I took my computer to have a part replaced, and Apple Store Guy was really funny. He was the person that helped me with my computer, and we had some exceptionally witty banter. And he was cute. which these days is just a plus. 

So I go to meet a good friend of mine at the mall for lunch and conversation, and after she leaves, I decide to high tail it to the store one last time, just to peek and see if he's there. And he was. So I rush out of the store, and desperately call Ashley seeking some wise council. Basically, I just needed her to tell me 'now or never!' and she did, so I went back in there. This time the greeter said 'Hi, welcome to the Apple Store.... oh wait, weren't you already in here?' to which I replied 'yeah, just back to look at something [er.. someone]'. So I look around the store waiting for some kind of perfect sign that I should talk to him again. Talking to people I don't know very well has never been a strong point. I know its not common for girls to initiate interest in boys, but at least some girls can actually talk to them. 

As I walk around, I realize... there isn't really much to look at in the store. Computer... but I already have one. And they'd then approach me to buy one, and I'd either have to lie, or tell them that I already had one. Then the iPhone, which again, they would pester me about. And I already have an iPod, so this was dangerous territory. I ended up placing myself at the time machines, you know.. the extra storage and memory devices. WHY DID I CHOOSE THIS SPOT, i don't know. there were only like 4 things to look at, and making a decision really isn't that hard when it comes to memory space. But, it was all about location. This spot was right next to the back door that Apple Guy kept going through to get parts and stuff. So, I positioned myself there until he came back out where I was going to randomly strike up a conversation. I was here for a long time. So long, that the Apple employees began to tell me I had been there for a long time. I got really good at saying 'well, I don't want to rush making a decision'. (about talking, not about the stupid memory thing). 

Finally, 30 minutes later. I end up sitting on a stool RIGHT next to the back door, staring at it. Waiting for him to return. And he finally does, as soon as I see him I whip out "you are the hardest person to try to talk to!?' (highlight my already stalker-ish qualities) And then he looks at me and laughs. So we small chatted for a second, he remembered me and made some jokes about how Zoey had been with me and Ashley, I told him about my computer. Asked him about work. We talked for a few minutes, and then I said 'So, do you have a girlfriend?' To which he replied "No."


"But I do have a fiance."

I just fell up the stairs. And yes, it's embarrassing even in your own house.

My friends and I are studying James right now, and I'm not knowing how to take it all in. 

Mostly because, I am OH SO FAMILIAR with this passage, the first chapter that is. About trials and tribulations, and perseverance. 

As I was reading the part that we agreed to read, I was just being entirely negative. Why was it not registering in my brain that I am reading God's word? Why does it seem like I am the only one who acts like everything happening is the worst thing in the world. Ok, so some guy has a girlfriend already... move on! Why does everything have to be a huge pity party and I have to have some gigantic dramatic desperation exit scene from every aspect of my life. Really, I'm like that. Get to know me. 

So when James writes that we will face trials and tribulations, I'm already complaining! 

-but why God?
-when do they stop?
- how do I know when I've peaked with perseverance if I'm always being tried!!?? 

So I did a little research on the first chapter. Sarah posted a really great link about more information on the book of James. And there was a section of question pages to pass out to students. I looked at that and then laughed. There was no way that if I was ever handed that paper that I would EVER even consider doing it. It was like a history assignment. So I clicked over to the answer page... and it was actually really interesting. 

But the part that caught my attention was their allusion to what Paul says in 1 Corinthians: 

Peter points out that perseverence is part of a process; that it is one step we must go through to demonstrate that our faith is genuine.

So, I am DEMONSTRATING that my faith is genuine. Which obviously, I'm not currently doing. It's opened up a whole new door for me now. It's not like I'm supposed to be all 'Gee whiz God, thanks for giving me this horrible trial today that I could conquer with a smile and a sweater set. Golly Gee, You're the greatest. I have so much perseverance now [insert dimple-finger pointing thing]". 

NO! I'm just supposed to breathe, take on the problems, and know that getting through them and trusting in Jesus is showing that my Faith is REAL, that is exists, that it is genuine. And that sounds like a pretty sufficient trade off for the average trial. 

why am i crazy?

so, i write a post about how sucky the boys are in my age frame. and of course, that is true. that goes without saying. 

so what do i decide to do? make a fool out of myself, that's what. now i totally understand why men don't do movie-esque things whenever they see girls that they like. for example, talk to them upon first meeting, ask them out randomly. first of all, because they're cowards, but second of all, because rejection is the ickiest thing ever! 

I can tell this story now because I've told all the important people already. That's the only bad part that comes along with having a blog. I have all these 'great' stories to tell, but I wait to post them until I've told them in real life to people. I always end up forgetting someone and then I go to tell them the story and they are all 'yeah, I read it on your blog already'. well.. crap! 

So Kayla and I go to church Sunday night. There's a boy on stage playing the guitar, that for some reason is really getting my attention. Has anyone met me? I'm like, really anti-boy most of the time. I kept feeling like he was looking at me, but I was honestly competing that idea with the fact that I was trying to just flatter myself into believing it. So at the end of service, I get this huge knot in my stomach telling me that I have to do something. I'm sitting there, basically chanting... 'why God? Why!! This will be so embarrassing. Must I?' and He responded with yes, and not only could I not fight him, but I decided that landing in the middle of a whale (or giant fish)'s belly is really not on my current to-do list. So I waltz on stage (as if I own the place or something?) stick my hand out, and say "I know this is really weird, but name is Kelly, what is yours". Then we had a typical 2 minute conversation and I left the stage. Trickery I tell you, because the only real reason to figure his name out, as I'm sure he knows NOW seeing as how I then basically demanded his last name, is that we are now friends on facebook.

Now here's the dilemma. How are you to know if a random guy has a girlfriend already? And now you feel like a stalker, or annoyance, or just plain stupid. These people don't wear any identifying paraphernalia to direct girls such as myself away from them. But they should. 

So that's what happens when I jump out of my 'age group' and do something that I've NEVER done before. And obviously, will never do again. It's just, decent guys are hard to find. And when I say hard, I really mean impossible. Next time, I'll just order some irony with a side of humiliation. 

the menial men

can we please talk about the men (aka boys) that are in my age frame. 

what has happened to the youth of our nation? 

I go to a professional football game, on accounts of my father's business. And we sit in a suite. The suite normally rocks because of the food, but the real catch is that you are forced into a very small box with people, 'professionals' who are anything but! 

This time, there were a lot of men (boys) my age in the box. Interns, first years, etc. You know, still talking about their wild fraternity days and sporting their class rings. And what do all these men care about? First of all, not being polite and talking to me. Second of all, not even the game. I knew more about what was going on then they did, and that's really not that unlikely because I am a football obsessor, but still... shouldn't they be too? They are 'business men' after all. All they care about is the copious amounts of free alcohol they are entitled to because of sitting in a box, and whenever the 'cheerleaders' are on the big screen. it was really just... gross. luckily, the cheerleaders were wearing football jersey's that plain as day said 
on the back, because otherwise I would have been getting them confused with the players right and left. pah. 

the entire scene was just aggravating. I watched these men (boys) drown themselves, literally, in alcohol. They man (boy) sitting in the box next to us, however physically sitting right next to me, was on his 5th beer when we were leaving during the 3rd quarter. Now, I don't know a lot about alcohol, so I asked my Dad... 'is 5 of those cups of beers a lot of alcohol to ingest?' and he said 'um.. definitely'. 

It's just sad. What happened to chivalry? To romance? To having a good time, because you're having a good time. To talking to the pretty girl, instead of snickering with your pals and all glancing over at her in unison and making her feel like a billboard ad? WHERE ARE THE SANE MEN?

talk is cheap.

Today begins a new week. 

Online school starts tomorrow, my first day with Zoey while Ashley is actually teaching begins tomorrow. My life doing school at home starts tomorrow. 

I'm feeling a little anxious, but I know that God does not give me anything I cannot handle. 

Here's what's rattling my brain so much though. And basically the rest of this is me just ranting. 
I told the newly acquired youth minister at my family's church that I would really like to be a Sunday School Teacher, they are in desperate need of workers, and I have been desperately seeking a place to belong. I felt God tugging on my heart to look into this over the past school year while I was a volunteer in the Seniors class. The new YM said that would be great if I could do that. He told my mother that he would be emailing me shortly about it. Well, unfortunately he never did. So I took it upon myself to email him. nothing conquered, nothing gained. So I did, and he wrote back that he really appreciated my willingness to serve, but the he does not allow college students to teach Sunday School. 

And here comes the ranting. What if I weren't in college. What if I was married. What if I had a full time working job.(which I pretty much do).  What if I was 28 and in college? What if you don't have all the help you need ( which you don't) and I am a willing person to fulfill the spot. What ever happened to just being able to share the gospel, and teach others, and invest in them daily? Why are there rules? My heart is broken. 

He said something about that it was an unfortunate rule he made, but he sticks to it even when there are more than capable teachers, like myself. So to me, I already came up with a grand new scheme that he should use in order to fill the teaching positions. I think that possible teachers should have to fill out a form and answer questions. And then I think that he should decided if and where to place them, according to their thoughts, desires, feelings, and answers. That way he could give the opportunity to 'college students' that could handle it. 

So today, I cried in the bathroom at church. It was so sitcom tv of me. I couldn't handle being on the third floor and not having a place to belong. I went into the girls bathroom sat in a stall and just cried. I eventually was pushed into the 'college room' by my mother, but there was only one other person in there. And I just know I don't belong there. 

I want to invest and teach a group of girls, and show them what being a Christian woman really means. I don't want them to all have their friends mom's as teachers. I want them to see that people other than parents care about them, and want to be around them, and want to know about them and pray with and for them. I wanted to be able to do that. I wanted to show the girls that nothing and no one is perfect, heck... no one can even relate to perfect. And the Christian walk is nothing without times of failure and falling down. 

Needless to say, I'm not sure what to do. I may be looking for a new church now. If I can't teach and feed others, than I'm going to have to find a place where I at least can be fed the Gospel. And it breaks my heart. 

i survived. and then sang hallelujah at Kroger.

so. i made it through my 11 hour workday. 

i love the boys dearly, already, after one day. 

James and Samuel are great! We rented a movie (pardon me, a blu-ray movie, the boys would definitely want people to know that) and watched it in their media room. yes... that's right media room. it was so much fun! lounging in the padded recliners and sipping my half price sonic drink while safely cradling itself in the snug cupholder. also, they have the perfect fleece blankets in there. and they keep the media room cold, so snuggling up with the blankets made life seem so comfortable. 

they had to pay me back for lunch and the movie today so sam (paco) went upstairs to get the money to pay me. keep in mind this is a 5th grader we're talking about. he counts out the money, all in one dollar bills, outloud to me and then realizes that he's missing a dollar. he jumps back in the room a few moments later stating that he dropped a bill on the floor. i told him because of his counting skills and his form in laying the bills down, he most likely had a future in banking. he laughed and said they don't hire bankers who drop dollars on the stairs. then i asked him what he did want to be, and he said 'i don't know kenny, that's a long way off' and then galloped away. it was so precious. 

then they started their daily 4 oclock xbox time. seriously, its like therapy to them. they schedule it daily to 'chill out'. direct phrasing here. so they sat in the media room and blasted away screaming and jumping with delight while staring at the 90 inch screen. 

they really were quite entertaining and fun, and just what i needed. i am so thankful for this job. 

tomorrow i get to be with zoey and love on her all day long! i cannot imagine a more spectacular week. 

God, your grace is more than i could ever imagine. i do not know why i continually resist to lay the entire complexity of my life in your hands. 

and i really did sing hallelujah while standing in kroger. and then this man came up to me and said that it was really good and even requested me to sing it again. i blushed, and just looked at my mom who was hysterically laughing and then i said 'i didn't really realize i was singing it'. and my mom suddenly bursts out with 'are you kidding me? you were busting it out'. i guess i'm just filled with the spirit. :)